First,, oh sorry I don't want to start with "first" or "first of all" because people with NPD use that before they go off on you, for all their made-up false reasons, and as a person trying to heal from NPD Abuse I could actually sound like I have NPD to others. So let's begin shall we?
My name online is Arishmary, I am an Empath with my heart on my sleeves and I speak a lot in metaphors and analogies. I'm tall with long arms so my sleeves are long and fit a lot of my love for others on them.
With my heart on my sleeves, I have always been an open book, so I hope you like reading because here is one of my Chapters. I am a Canadian-born Gay White male and used to be a Dancing Girlyboy.
My real name is Ari R Kolman, born May 9th 1967; I am a Gay White Male and 56 years old right now as I write this. I'm a skinny '6 foot 1' Taurus; Jewish, not religious but spiritual, feminine while growing up, free-thinking open-minded person; who loves animals, nature, Philosophy and Psychology.
I've always been an Artist; Writer, Talented, intelligent emotionally and mentally, intellectual, and spiritually inclined. I'm living in Canada Ontario, away from the world's millions of narcissists.
The R for my middle name stands for Ricky, and I had a Privileged childhood, but had to many narcissists around trying to fuck with me. Now as a grown-up knowing about Narcissists, I am Un-fuckwithable.
Depending on the mood I'm in, if a narcissist is fucking with me, I will fuck back because usually they don't know who their fucking with. Always had friends from different backgrounds and different ethnicities.
My Interests are in Philosophy and Psychology; Cognitive psychology, Narcissism Awareness and Narcissistic Abuse. Healing, Karma, Empaths, Emotional Intelligence, Peace, Love and the Soul. The Spirit, Spirituality, Animals, the environment, CPTSD, PTSD, support systems, and so much more.
Don't worry I have a sense of humor too, and many people think I'm too funny with jokes and sarcasm; that I should have been a comedian. Sometimes my jokes are as funny as my misplaced punctuations; and I'm not perfect but I'm not someone with Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD); a mental health condition in which a person lacks sympathy and empathy for anyone but themselves and believes they are better than everyone else.
It's not that simple of course (or as black and white as it sounds) but the biggest problem they do have is an unreasonably high sense of their own importance, yet the emotional intelligence of a fruit fly.
Many think I'm too serious, with advice, opinions, philosophy and motivation, and I should have been a counsellor. Many think I'm super talented with anything I do, and I should have done something else. Yet many just think I'm too sensitive (like a fruit fly) and I should just stay home.
Well,, I have always been a homebody and I would have rather gone home to my Mommy. Today I am always at home, just not with Mommy, and I cherish my beautiful home and its surroundings., as well as my privacy.
When I was young I had the best Parents who appreciated and loved my sensitivity and homebody-ness, became the best Momma's Boy who wanted to hang around Mommy all the time, and only wanted the best for everyone and myself, which made me develop into a beautiful person.
Used to be a non-famous Model on runways and in hair shows. A Dancer; choreographer and performer, DJ with turntables and thousands of albums and records, a Hairdresser's assistant and then Hairdresser.
An Event Coordinator hiring performances and DJ'ing while I host with the most on the microphone. A poet, a writer, a helper a giver; a healthy eating advisor, and a comforter; making you feel less worried, upset, frightened, etc.
A Lover, a fighter; an online activist, a webmaster, a Karaoke Singer, and a person who would help a stranger in need. Now I'm just all I can be; with all the sensitivity while emotionally and intimately sharing it all with you.
I've been told I'm so great, and that I should write a book so many times, and I agree so I wrote all the pages and put them all here in my blogspot to share with you..
There's no book but there certainly is enough pages for one so enjoy them; learn from them, reminisce over them, share them or bookmark them and know that my perfect Love and perfect Trust are in all of them.
I'm not saying I'm all great, and I don't like to sound like I'm bragging; like how narcissists do all the time and then tell you that you're bragging.
Good people with good pure hearts have told me all my life, that I had a good heart and I was a beautiful person; so I will tell you about why, throughout this blog, just like that.
The only people who think I'm a narcissist are narcissists, and it doesn't matter what they think of me. Let me tell you a bit about myself so you get a bigger and clearer picture because I am the opposite of a Narcissist.
The opposite of a Narcissist meaning I am one who has a healthy level of self-esteem, spiritual awareness, deep empathy for others, and humility. Not to mention a high sense of integrity, morals, emotional intelligence, ethics and etiquette, to name just a few.
You may not notice my humility right now, but that comes with the territory of you starting to read from the beginning of all that I am sharing. By now right here, if you're having a problem with me, you should leave.
I can be too much for many people where they don't want to risk even communicating with me. Also people who have a problem with me and the way in which I am speaking usually say to me "who the hell do you think you are!" Well, thank God I'm not those people, that's for sure.
I am also an Empath, and many people can't handle being around a person like me with deep emotional feelings and words. I speak about Love & Feelings all the time, just as I give my Love & Feelings all the time, even when it's not expected or wanted. Can you imagine not wanting Love & Feelings?
An empath is an individual who feels more empathy for others than an average human, and I've been that way all my life, while every person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that I've seen displaying it in words or actions shows no genuine empathy or emotional intelligence, let alone genuine Love & Feelings for others.
If they show empathy it's just cold empathy (or cold and empty). I'm not perfect if that's what you're thinking, I know no one is, and I'd rather be not perfect than have NPD. Me being not perfect doesn't bother or hurt anyone, but me having NPD would most definitely bother and hurt others on a regular basis.
People like me are highly sensitive person/s (HSP); who are thought to have an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli.
We are people whom are neurodivergent individuals sensitive to the emotions and frame of mind of nearby individuals or anyone (even on TV in shows) hurting; or even the opposite, Loving.
Signs of Highly Sensitive People are; we become easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input, for example; bright lights, loud sudden noises, and strong smells). We also notice subtle changes in people, our environment, and animals.
Feel other people's moods of irritation, anger or calmness and Love, and are sensitive to their highs and lows. We need alone time to recharge after being emotionally drained by others, which is called our bad or busy day.
Some of us find ourselves daydreaming and some of us find ourselves having dreams while sleeping; good dreams, bad dreams, or dreams of terror, emotional drainage and exhaustion, all by means of very vivid thoughts, imagination, or constant rumination.
When stress begins to accumulate for me as a Highly Sensitive Person from negative or challenging events in my life that just keep coming; I can find myself in a state of feeling emotionally worn out and drained. This is called emotional exhaustion, now add my physical pain that I get as symptoms if it's constant, and I, don't, wanna, see, anyone.
To know about me, is to know all that of me and that I am an Empath, with constant feelings of empathy for everyone (except Narcissistic people). When I waste my emotional feelings on a Narcissist, they suck me dry where I have no more empathy to give anyone for a while.
Empathy is a natural state that enables a person to build an emotional connection through cognition with other individuals, so when you're with a stranger they can feel and see by your actions that you are genuine and you care.
It is written that a portion of empaths have experienced early trauma (yes I have) such as emotional or physical abuse, or they were raised by an alcoholic, depressed, or narcissistic parents.
Well, my parents drank socially, and my mother became an alcoholic from anxiety, worry, stress and depression later on, but my parents were not narcissistic. If anything they were over-caring with compassion fatigue, from dealing with my three Narcissistic Siblings.
Overcare is a common emotional habit that causes us anxiety, worry and stress.” I'm sure alot of good parents deal with it all the time. It is also written that the mental health consequences of compassion fatigue can be severe, including anxiety, depression and well, if it's constant and deep enough, thoughts of suicide.
Whenever my parents showed narcissistic behavior it was necessary. Just like it is necessary for me to show narcissistic behaviour to someone else who needs to calm the fuck down and stop being a fucking asshole. It's called fighting fire with fire, and my siblings (brother and sisters), were the fire.
It's a wonder I never became an alcoholic with those three in my life, even while I was bar-hopping and clubbing with all my friends in the 80's & 90's, but I didn't really like the taste, especially afterwards when it came out of me.
I never became an alcoholic Empath and never will, but I imagine it would have been funny, because when I drink; all I wanna do is make some funny faces, or watch someone else making them. That, or become hungry, sexy, totally tired, or just fall asleep, hopefully in my own bed and alone.
However with an alcoholic Narcissist, drinking alcohol lowers inhibitions and can increase other narcissistic behaviors including self-absorption, denial, illusions of grandeur, destructiveness, violence and bragging incessantly. They usually become argumentative and belligerent; Vulgar, Rude, Obnoxious, quick-tempered, militant and scary to many people, especially if drugs are taken also.
I've seen all those behaviors and they led to poor choices, words and actions, from an angry-drunk right in front of my eyes; including drugged up while drinking and/or driving during excessive consumption.
What I hated the most was verbally abusing me, belittling me, scaring me, switching on and off with me, always wanting sex from me, and last but not least blame shaming or gaslighting me, which all together could have been fatal for me.
Yes, surprisingly I survived it all.
I was a survivor for the most part of my life but I used to be an Echoist. Echoism lies at the far end of the narcissism spectrum. People with echoism have survived struggling to express themselves, and that's what I struggled with for the most part of my life; expressing myself and doing it while in survival mode.
Echoism often develops in childhood. It's most often a survival strategy for children raised by a narcissistic parent that doesn't attend to their needs.
However in my childhood I was growing up with my Narcissistic brother and sisters while my parents attended to our needs; expecting my siblings to attend to my needs while Mom & Dad often worked alot together, to put food on the table and clothes on are backs.
They were self-absorbed, with inflated sense of their own importance and lacking the empathy I needed from them most of the time. We were all suppose to support each other to get what we needed while Mom & Dad were at work, instead they only supported themselves, to get what they wanted while Mom & Dad worried about me.
They ruined everything for me with Mom & Dad, and the family was broken apart in many ways over the years. I'm just blessed that towards the end of her life, my Mom and I got close, and were able to spend meaningful time together as I lived with her after moving out of the downtown hellhole I was in, during the 90's.
Even through my hellhole experience for years I always had my Mom & Dad there for me, so I could come home anytime, but when I did, I saw that the broken family was still broken and Mom & Dad were still trying to recover from their other kids and the damage they caused them.
I was probably still an echoist while living downtown, because when I went back home to live with Mom, I still struggled to express myself. I still didn't know enough to Identify my needs or take time to reflect on myself to learn what I genuinely needed to make myself feel fulfilled and happy.
I always wanted a family unit of support, but I never felt like I truly had that. I tried to set boundaries with my siblings while living downtown, but I just couldn't; thus, I never succeeded setting boundaries with terrible people, because I couldn't set boundaries with my own Narcissistic Siblings. Setting boundaries with people and obligations can help Echoists mend from echoism.
To build self-esteem and develop communication skills that I needed most. I was just trying to learn everything as I went along through life, without trusting anyone and wishing and hoping, that one day, I would find Perfect Love.
Then I found my Perfect Love in Perfect Trust with my Perfect man on June 2nd 1997, the most perfect day; after being with Mom for one or two years. I even met him while I still struggled to express myself.
I relied on my authenticity to express to him, in perfect trust that he would understand. He used to make expressing myself to him so much fun, he made me feel so wanted and so needed, while he loved every creative way about me.
As I looked up to him in admiration; he became my teacher without me even realizing it, and my inspiration to express myself and communicate anytime I wanted and needed, because now I was learning many things I needed to know, with Love & Trust; like how to express myself correctly while maintaining emotional intelligence; and control of my integrity, morals, ethics and etiquette.
Expressing anything to him was always appreciated, but before him I would worry about my well-being with others (especially homophobes, femaphobes, bullies, racists and sexists), and I suffered from fear of being perceived as a gay narcissist in any way, so to be safe I would not communicate properly or at all.
If people found something they didn't like of me, they first blamed it on being gay and feminine. They were people who were not only ignorant dumdums, but they were Narcissists. However I didn't know about Narcissism back then, so to me these people were just bad and terrible people or people with bad and terrible ways.
I dreaded being a burden to anyone, especially my brother and sisters; my friends, acquaintances or my bosses, so often as a default out of worry I echoed their opinions and preferences when they would ask me mine.
I worried about coming across as a brainless needy gay guy or lacking a defined self-identity or clear desire; or just stupid and naive; a dumdum. However, I was just being me, and with insecurity and no self-esteem or affirmations, I continued searching for only Love while trying to find Jobs, friends and security with a supportive community, or any place to belong.
I would shy away from any form of praise or recognition, cause I didn't know if it was a ploy or fake or just from a nice person speaking from the heart, sounding self-absorbed with an agenda for me from their shallow heart. So I'd move on sometimes ignoring a comment from people I knew, instead wishing to remain anonymous and in the shadows.
Especially because while being in the shadows, I can walk away from the experience of many strangers that would pass and speak up at me with self-absorbed rude and nasty comments from their shallow hearts. That was a main experience I'd often go through, so hearing an actual compliment or praise was difficult to handle.
Downtown I was a great assistant. I loved being someone's assistant or helper to someone in the spotlight. I wouldn't have the problem of dealing with alot of the things I didn't like when dealing with strangers. Not realizing that dealing with the problems of dealing with people I knew and worked with, was equal to the amount to that of strangers.
Basically, I felt comfortable to assist, help or advise without needing others to know that I did, and it was the same way with me giving one-on-one advice to someone. I was content to simply support others while trying to support myself because I was full of love and had to give it to those I thought deserved it, so I could feel comfortable living without it.
I wanted a Love so deeply, except I needed a Job; I thought I wanted friends; I believed that music; dancing and the arts kept me alive; so through it all I just waited for that one true love from Mr Right.
Believing everyone who said I love you to me, trusting everyone who said trust me, following everyone who said I'll be safe just follow me, and telling people that I was Gay because they said I could tell them anything; I always hoped for the best, without being ready for the worst.
I gave everyone a chance, even those who didn't deserve one, and if they said I love you first thing, then that's all I wanted. That was stupid, naive and dumdum of me, and I lived that way getting in harm's way time after time after time. I trusted my friends, my siblings, my co-workers and only got my heart broken and in trouble, time and time again.
Always with my heart on my sleeves, people knew I've been hurt or abused (verbally mentally emotionally etc.), but I have always been an open book, and many people have ripped many pages right outta me. So now, I have pages and pages that cannot be ripped out, and you can read each one of them.
I'll tell you that; I live not to harm others, I believe anything being done by anyone, should not be done at the expense of others; I believe they should be done only if they can be done for the good of all and harming none.
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