Me.3

             Made some genuine friends from childhood to downtown, but none of them were around when I had to leave downtown and live with Mom. My Mom and Dad were the only genuine caring people and friends in my life while growing up. They were teaching me how to be a good person as long as I was living under their roof until they each passed away separately.

💖ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶠᵒʳᵍᵉᵗ, ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵃˡˡ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃᵍᵉˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵐᵉ ᵃˢ ʷᵉˡˡ💖

ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵈⁱᶠᶠᵉʳᵃⁿᵗ ᵖⁱᶜᵗᵘʳᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ.

             Of course they tried to teach my siblings; but I was the only one really listening and following what they were teaching with respect, and even when I moved out and went downtown, I talked to Mom on the phone, and she was still teaching me, while I know she was just being disrespected by the other ones still.

             They taught me even without words. Basically I watched and learned, not to support and enable bad behaviour; like from my siblings; because you could end up in a lot of trouble; with Mom & Dad or, anyone of authority by doing so. As my siblings went on in life demonstrating that they never listened to Mom & Dad about bad behavior, I took every lesson to heart.

             Even when I didn't have money, I didn't become narcissistic and start tricking and using people, and pretending I'm someone I'm not. I took those lessons from Mom & Dad with me through life, and thank goodness because I was always around people who didn't give a shit about the Authorities or those in charge. Needless to say, I never got in trouble with Authorities, I did however, talk back to a few bosses in my time.

             I understand why we were punished in our childhood, and why my siblings got the most, and the worst punishment. Sometimes I was punished but most likely they were involved. For example, I hated eating dinner with my brother and sisters because that's when I got to see such stupid behavior making Dad upset, and sometimes they were effective with bad influence reeling me into their bad behaviors (as a scapegoat), so I would want to skip dinner or not eat at the table.

             To me they resembled the bullies and dumdums in school, that always wanted to bother me. Well I would be punished for the not eating at the table decision, because my parents wanted everyone at the table. I'd be sent to my room with no dinner. I didn't get slapped or anything like that, just sent to my room, with words of confusion from my parents. They didn't know my decision was because of the others, perhaps if I would have told them; they'd agree, and it would have been okay to eat somewhere else, but I only realized why I didn't want to eat at the table after growing older.

             One of my sisters would bring me food while I was punished to my room; but she was part of my problem to begin with. She was the supporter of the other two, even just because while they behave stupid she'd laugh. Acting disrespectful is not funny, and maybe she felt bad but it's the fault of the other two and her (the enabler) that I was sent to my room.

             Those three got the severe punishments, and faced my Dad's rage many times, when they were bad or nasty. Bad; being disrespectful; and Nasty; being downright intolerably rotten, rude and unruly. Unable to follow the rules and accept No for an answer; or any answer for an answer, like Narcissists.

             Today I appreciate every lesson from Mom & Dad that I learned, as well as the slaps and rough treatment, cause I know now it was for my own good and to teach me valuable lessons. English was their second language after Hebrew, so they didn't have all the words to effectively teach lessons, so slaps and rough treatment were the other tools available.

             I was trying to be good as a child, I was learning to say the right things, not say the wrong things, do the right things and not do the wrong things. When you go against your parent's wishes (no matter how stupid it sounds to you) you are doing the wrong thing, and enough of that behaviour makes you resent your parents because they were trying to teach you how to be a good person by punishing you when you are doing the bad things.

             At least that; with my parents I knew 100% of the time; they only wanted to teach us how to be good people, not to mention hard working; honest, honorable, knowledgeable, friendly, trustworthy and positive. Needless to say I didn't do many bad things; just dumdum innocent things, and not for long. Then I grew up the same way trying to avoid all the bad ways of people; so I wouldn't end up doing the bad things they do I now call disgusting.

             Disgusting narcissistic friends; roommates I thought were friends, Boyfriends that I had; dates I went on, Bosses and co-workers, and employees of establishments everywhere, and service people etc etc. If I had to be around them, it was to watch, listen and learn; how to never be like them.

             Through it all I was trying to live a trouble-free life, and to encounter real people for real Love as an Adult; felt so blessed with the understanding of never getting into trouble; or getting stuck in extreme danger. My only danger I got stuck in for a while was living downtown in the poor part of town; trying to start a company with some guy I met from my last job; and with all the disgusting users and abusers walking the streets all day and night, I had not a place to sleep that wasn't disgusting and dangerous.

             At that time all narcissists were out for target and attack. However, with those years before during and after, I dated someone now and then; for a short time, then thought they had real love for me, but they didn't; just as all those times I made friends I thought really loved me, because we remained friends for years, but they didn't either, and the years ended, sadly.

             Many friends I had downtown were narcissists who lived life in a fabricated delusion of grandiosity; I just didn't know. Many bosses also were narcissists living the same way, but I saw them as just my bosses, someone I had to listen to and take orders from.

             I tried to sustain the relationships with these friends and bosses because it was before I discovered the meaning of Narcissism. I thought they suffered from at least; character flaws, to at most; dumdum syndrome; while I was still being over-tolerant; over-loving, over-sensitive and over-giving, in perfect love and perfect trust, with all my heart and with almost everyone.

             I never lived in a fabricated delusion of grandiosity, but I looked beyond it as it appeared that they were all living that way. I was never the star of my own made-up world, I was just a pawn in a Narcissistic world. I knew what was reality and I didn't live in my head. I know that in reality, there are just too many Narcissists, people with NPD, sociopaths and psychopaths, and any of them could become a stone-cold killer.

             Minus the sociopaths and psychopaths, I have empathy and sympathy for others especially when I give them the benefit of the doubt; thinking they mean well, and that deep down they are decent human beings. I'd even explain myself over and over about what I mean, just to try and help them understand, until it's obvious they refuse to.

             So I gave them many chances, but too many times those others were Narcissists or people with NPD and without knowing let them abuse me. My head now holds the NPD Abuse I've suffered for many years (bad dreams and nightmares every night, and memories with detailed scenarios every day), spreading it to my body as ailments and health issues.

             With laughing at me, lying to me, confusing me, sabotaging me, calling me names, calling me a liar, embarrassing me, scaring me, accusing me, threatening me, and all the things that they do, I took it all. So now before I am Tolerant, Kind, Considerate, giving and compassionate; I have boundaries, Limitations & a finish threshold; a place that is the line, on the point of no return, no return for me and no return for them; No contact.

             I now need to have my Judge Judy cap on all the time, because I can't keep giving to people who are Narcissistic and do not reciprocate the kindness or appropriate behaviors (at least) that I show to them right away. How appropriate can they be when their perception is flawed constantly. You don't need to be a mind reader when you constantly hear a reaction from them through their flawed perception abilities. And what are incorrect perceptions called? They're called Illusions, by Examples, & Facts | Britannica

             A narcissist's Illusions are special perceptual experiences in which information arising from real external stimuli leads to an incorrect perception or false impression; of the object or event from which the stimulation comes., and the false perception or false impression comes from the narcissist's brain. Luckily I am all too familiar with how a narcissist thinks talks and acts, not to mention wrongly perceive things, not because I'm a mind reader but because I have eyes and ears, so I don't have to try and judge or explain to them, for too long.

             I believe Narcissists are everywhere and the root of all evil, but I am strong when it comes to speaking to one, and I survive until they leave my site, or hang up. Now I don't give all of me again and again as they disrespect me or dismiss my every word and thought, calling me a liar. Or to the next first person who walks up to me, I will try my best to show them kindness and respect without myself falling over the crossing line where I will be getting hurt, however on the phone is better than in person of course.

             Someone I speak to on the phone may not be a Narcissist but they may display Narcissistic Personality Disorders, that I will pick up immediately like a trigger; just like watching the simplest examples of a person speaking to Authority with disrespect and rudeness. I pick up the triggers immediately because I still have people with narcissistic behavior in my life or in the foreground of my mind. It's almost like if two strangers of the same zodiac sign say the same thing separately to you; you now think that this person is the same sign as that person.

             The knowledge of knowing the Zodiac Signs, is what really helped me also downtown, when I would meet people, I needed to know their signs, however it didn't help me as much as the knowledge of knowing the Narcissist Signs. If they're acting all tough with obscenities; or with body and face movements of someone with wrong feelings on the matter; to your face; in court; or at the police station, it's easy to tell that they are guilty of something. Or someone saying things like "I don't give a shit"; "are you crazy I did not say that, didn't mean that, it wasn't me" and so forth. When clearly they don't give a shit because yes, they did say that and did mean that, and yes, it was them.

             Then there's my telephone answering machine; with not "how are you I hope you're okay" first, but just getting into what they want to speak with you about. Or when I press play, they're speaking like suddenly the microphone is on while they are already talking to themselves. Or everytime I speak to them it's all about them and they monopolize the conversation; sounding like they're having a bad life or it's more urgent than my own situation. Trying to express to me that I'm wrong for thinking some way about them, and I'm a liar.

             I can only think about you, the way you express to me; if you express badly to me, then with you I think badly, it's common sense to me. They go from one extreme to the other, and/or, at some point they sound so happy singing and rhyming like nothing is wrong, but plenty is. Whatever the and/or is; every message and every meeting with a narcissist is not consistent and not fully comprehensible.

             You can't rely on them remembering anything they said or did just last time because they said or did it from their ass; or what you said last time because they're so dismissive all the time, and it's just difficult to deal with anymore. You have to be a mind reader to understand their true thoughts, because by observing how they act or behave incongruently to their words, just leads you to finally believe that, they are fucking assholes who couldn't care less. It's not our fault we feel this way, they make us feel this way without them thinking that they do in any way shape or form.

             In life, you will leave impressions of the kind of person you are, or were. People will say he was a good person with me, and with them, people will say, too many things all contradicting each thing with the other things. They'll have stories and jokes, platitudes, and up and down thoughts; “Everything happens for a reason.” "It is what it is." “Money can't buy happiness.” “Nice guys finish last.” "He was a caring guy, just misunderstood."

             How about "They were always laughing and singing to appear happy when people are upset", or "always so upset no one can get a word in edgewise." How about "When we were having a conversation, he'd come in and take it over", or "how when he considers helping someone he's also considering that one day that person will help him", a quid pro quo kind of a guy. What a guy!

             Bragging about how amazing their friends are and how they could do no wrong in their eyes is disgusting. Never taking accountability for how they hurt others just with what they did or didn't do (said or didn't say) makes me sick to my stomach.

             Getting upset and sounding hostile; or standing there like a bully, when I tell them an observation of how they are, and how it bothers me while they interrupt constantly, is The End for me. You also can't have a civil conversation with someone who is so concerned about the optics surrounding them in a situation, or how they look while doing something by themselves or with you.

             They need to have things look the way they want, and sound the way they want them to sound, but most of all they need to appear normal-looking, so others can see and judge that they are normal human beings.

             How can you have a civil conversation, with someone who can't stay civil if you tell them something they did or didn't do bothers you, like cutting you short in a convo, or dismissing you in that convo; when they don't even remember that convo and what they did or didn't do; when they cut you short and then dismissed you in that same convo. You can't.

             Finally, and sorry if I keep sounding like I'm ranting or rambling or repeating myself; they can't stop lying or scamming, or calling you the liar and the scammer, and they can't apologize when it's necessary; can't just truly apologize, they have to Darvo you, for example when you find out they've scammed you.

             Darvo; “DARVO" is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.” However they'll be fine with you as long as you don't bring anything up they don't want to hear and ignore the ways they act that make you sick. If you're like me; a writer with a Social Networking lifestyle online, and publish what they do that makes you sick, for everyone to see, be prepared to be Darvo'ed, gaslit & smeared non stop.

             I'm not gonna stay quiet because I'm not gonna be in any relationship any longer that has me being their flying monkey or enabler, there's enough of those in the world. Call me Crazy or full of shit or a liar (which they usually do), but I prefer having a relationship with No red flags no bullshit no tiptoeing and no acting or pretending with me, for whatever quid quo pro they have on the agenda.

They couldn't fathom, what that actually feels like.

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💖Tʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴏʀ sʜᴀʀɪɴɢ, ᴄᴀʀɪɴɢ, ɪɴsᴘɪʀɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴠɪsɪᴛɪɴɢ ᴍʏ Bʟᴏɢsᴘᴏᴛ💖