I believe that too many people have a problem with emotions and intimacy, and when I talk about being intimate with them, they have the perception I'm talking about sexual relations with them when I'm simply talking about an attachment a closeness, a deep affinity with someone or something.
Too many times people have an unhealthy cognitive impairment with perception and judgment as well. A healthy cognition includes all conscious and unconscious processes by which knowledge is accumulated, such as perceiving, recognizing, conceiving, and reasoning.
If they have a problem with listening, understanding, reading, writing, their emotions, and being aware of their surrounding, they have a problem with cognition and knowledge also.
There's too many people walking around with all sorts of cognitive impairments and distortions, however in general, people have a problem with me, and my intimate loving feelings towards others.
My whole life people have had a problem with me, and most of the time I thought something could be wrong with me. So I always tried to learn my lessons and become a better person for others; while not letting others feel like I'm imposing my intimate loving feelings onto them, but keep it to myself.
All through life I had one genuine best friend that I never had to worry about imposing my intimate feelings upon, and then I had one genuine Love of my Life that I never had to worry about anything with.
Just those two people in my life had no problem with me, and gave me unconditional love, and only supported and uplifted me when we were together.
They were Empaths, intelligent and intellectual, beautiful human beings that wouldn't hurt a fly (let alone a fruit fly). They were kind, considerate, mindful of others and all that good stuff I expect people to be, at least when they're around me, or while communicating with me on the phone or in person, but more than most, they were truly beautiful people that I feel blessed to have known intimately.
They had no problem with Intimacy, perception and judgment, cognition or knowledge. I admired them greatly, while they were deep thinkers and feelers, with emotional intelligence displayed throughout their relationships with me.
Also capable of having fun without being rude or hurtful to anyone. Being shallow was a funny way to act for a laugh, but shallow people they were never. They were never narcissistic in any manner whatsoever.
One was the love of my life; my soul mate and my beloved that passed away. We were living together in a world that was narcissist-free for over 21 years. We would only watch shallow, rude and hurtful people on tv, and deal with the odd one here and there when we had to.
Yes, we had so much fun together, and with our families of animals; I also liked documenting our relationship on video and pictures as well as making sure he was entertained as much as possible; with the animals and my jokes and candor, wit and stories. Displaying Joy and happiness as well as naive and dumdum for fun.
I can be a very vain, shallow & funny comedian or a sweet, naive & stupid one speaking from my ass when I want for fun. Sarcastic, mocking, obnoxious, ass-speaking narcissistic guy with attitude; that's easy, but to Love deeply with unconditional love, care deeply, think deeply and speak deeply are qualities I cherished with him, and am thankful for every day we had together.
I believe in not speaking from my ass and offering more than I can offer someone just so they will like me, and I believe if I have to always try so hard to gain someone's respect, then I should stop trying and move on without them.
I believe in being real with everyone and speaking up for those who can't speak. I believe in behaving right, being proper, and being kind. I believe in showing emotional intelligence and high sense of integrity, morals, ethics and etiquette.
Thus, I believe if someone doesn't believe the same things from that I believe in the above three paragraphs, they are displaying the Red Flags of a Narcissist. The arrogance and deception of a Narcissist has them behave in all the wrong ways, while showing all the Red Flags that people need to notice.
Arrogance is overbearing pride or disdainful haughtiness, a self-importance that is always there when you talk with them. If their friends are constantly complaining about their arrogance, they should want to lose their haughty attitude and try to be more humble, but instead, they just lose those friends.
Even while living downtown 80's and 90's, I've never had an attitude with innocent people or strangers, only with my friends and family members that had attitude, or I was putting on a comedic performance at a time that people with attitude can appreciate. I've always been appreciative & humble, and around people I've always been a properly behaving, quiet and upstanding citizen.
As far as friends are concerned; my friends would call me names for being the way I am; a goody-goody is one of the names but I didn't care, I was proud to be the way I was. I only really had one true friend at a time; when I was downtown, we'd hang around together alot and we could be ourselves with each other.
A true friend to me has always been like a Lover without the sexual intimacy part, but I thought all of them were true friends up to a point until I understood that they were not. However coming to that understanding always came with consequences for me but until then, I would sometimes call my friends loving names, like "Love", "Beautiful", "Sweetie" etc, they loved it and appreciated it.
Some of my friends really just wanted to hook up with me or have sex with me behind their friendly veneer with an agenda, but I just wanted a true friend with no sex.
Sex was never important to me, cause I was always looking for a connection of true Love first. Sex shouldn't be wanted by a friend, while both friends feel free to be naturally naked around each other whenever without embarrassment and stupid comments.
My true friend didn't call me an idiot, stupid, a goody-goody, or anything I didn't appreciate, but a lot of my gay friends called me those and, a slut, when I was just the opposite, and they were projecting.
A friendship should have almost everything but sex or secret desires for the other; because a true friend is someone who shows you respect and support.
They; like true love; improve your quality of life; promote self-confidence; provide honesty and a shoulder to cry on. True friends share everything; like the truth when asked, and help you progress mentally emotionally and maybe even physically, without Sex.
It's as wonderful as Spiritual Love Awareness. Being a spiritual person I'm able to feel Love deeply with others and for others. I'm able to connect with people like a true friend right away without hesitation. My spiritual love awareness beliefs, go beyond religious beliefs, way way beyond; it's like a best friend named "Love" that I can always feel good about.
Spiritual Love is also like a gut feeling or a deep instinct, that I take into consideration with anything and anyone. Others may walk with God, but I walk with Love, it's less restrictive, for all things are possible with Love.
For example; writing all this for you and sharing my heart with you, is because my Spiritual Love for you is always here with me, even through the bad times.
I have a lot to say about it, I wasn't born yesterday and I became spiritually in tune 26 years ago when I met my beautiful Beloved. However to say the least; it has helped me with my sensitive, empathetic and compassionate feelings towards others. It is what makes me understand how and why I'm an empath, and the road I took to get here.
Also it warns me with my sensitive hurt feelings, pain, understanding and forgiveness, with danger ahead senses; in myself, and in deep understandings and senses that I receive while I'm in tune to it.
Plus, it allows me to connect spiritually with others alive and passed. I know when I am speaking with my Mom, my Dad, or my beloved; they can hear me. Or see me and hear me. It gives my heart a calming warm feeling that I'll be okay I'll be fine, just open up my heart and feel the sign.
It's a spiritual state of being conscious and connected to my inner self, as well as a higher power or divine energy. It involves recognizing and embracing the spiritual energy I am receiving, such as a message, a blessing, or even a warning. It also enhances my Empathic abilities and emotional intelligence with all the sensitivity, concentration and open-understanding necessary.
People who wish to become more spiritual for the good of all harming none; can always just invite and embrace good spiritual energy whenever they wish. If you don't ignore and dismiss any spiritual energy, they won't ignore and dismiss you.
You can't really thank a person by ignoring them and dismissing them, so why would you ignore and dismiss a spiritual energy. They're around us all the time.
People can say that they're a good person till they turn blue in the face, but when faced with that good person; if I don't hear anything remotely sensitive and spiritual from them, I know they have no hope in becoming that good person they're talking about. It's more like wishing about. It also makes me remember the dumdums that mean well, or the difference between the compassionate and the stupid.
It makes me remember a lot of things, but when someone is up to no good; whether ignorant but meaning well, or on purpose up to no good; I feel their fucked-up-ness and I get afraid that danger is very close; in a deep way; that others if looking at me, could think I've seen a ghost with my own eyes.
So, at the moment offline, I don't have any friends. Besides, right now, the chances of me meeting a potential friend not being a Narcissist or a person with Borderline Personality Disorder regularly acting like a child behaving badly is nil. I've been with enough people to see that acting like a child, is to act unpredictable in ways I don't approve of.
Adults with disorders are also unpredictable with their actions and words, and at this stage in my life, while healing, I need to know that everything is fine, and I can relax. I also don't think I can handle another adult with Jekyll & Hyde syndrome, where one minute they're great, the next minute they're terrible to me.
For offline friends, I say no to Drama addiction, Drug addiction, Hoarding addiction and disorder, Fake personality disorder, Aspergers, OCD, ADD, ODD, CD, ADHD and other kinds of cognitive or mental disorders (on the spectrum or not on the spectrum) that'll have me thinking they're always on psychotropic drugs and should be mentally hospitalized without me.
So back to Friendship; the friends I have online really are not there for me, I can't call them when I need them, they don't check up on me, they're just there for some reason I'm unaware of. However I appreciate every comment and every emoji I get from them.
When I was an activist online helping many people with many things I had many more friends and acquaintances, but they all needed money or campaigning or something I offered to do for them, so I was there for them but they weren't there for me.
Reminding me of Narcissists who don't know how to be there for someone in a genuine caring and empathetic way, and how they lack empathy or never show it when showing is necessary.
Narcissists also seek to be admired most of the time without showing any of that, by people who don't even really know them behind closed doors. Yet they think they are just so "nice and helpful", and many people no a narcissist who helps them physically by doing stuff for them, but that's all they can offer, just to do stuff for them.
Anyone can be nice and helpful, but having empathy and compassion with words that align with their actions is a different story, and impossible to achieve for a narcissist. Plus you can't say anything to a narcissist that goes against their grain.
Empathy is something many people have a hard time with, either giving it or receiving it, and many think that it's something they need to "get" or learn how to give, but you can't get it, you can't buy it, you can't find it and make it your own so you can give it, you have to feel it within you or not.
I've never lacked empathy, I can't, I'm an Empath who feels deeply with those and for those; who are hurting, or even have gone through so much hurt in the past but are sharing the story with me; with or without smiling about it.
I also have no problems with showing my empathy whenever it needs to come out because I don't keep my emotions bottled up and hidden inside me. Like during News, shows, movies, etc.
I cry during movies for many reasons, but mostly for the people who are suffering, cause I feel their suffering, and even if the movie is make-believe, I think of those in the real world (not to mention myself) whom have similarly suffered the same way displayed in the movie.
That's when people think I'm just too sensitive (one that is faint of heart), and when people think I'm too sensitive, they work to stop telling me the sad story they're sharing or ask if we should watch something else on TV, but I think that maybe they, are not sensitive enough.
You can not turn empathy on and off, it doesn't turn off for those who feel deeply. Whatever story is shared with me, or what movie is watched with me, I am always feeling deeply inside of myself.
I'm as over-sensitive as I am an over-loving person, which can get me into uncomfortable situations and trouble with others. I've always been in love with LOVE, and many people who came across me have felt the LOVE that I was in Love with.
Getting confused and thinking I was in Love with them, but I was just a loving person, showing love and giving love, so they'd either come on to me and hope for the best soon, or start with their stupidity and leave. I admire people who admire me for my giving of love, and accept it as who I am, just admiring them in a loving manner.
I love Love, and I hate hate, but what I really can't stand besides narcissists, is dumdums and stupidity. The stupidity in action and the stupidity that comes out of people's mouths are hard to handle at any time.
I've been emotionally abused all my life by many, but remain Loving, Caring, Giving and tolerant with everyone, even when I suspect you to be a narcissist or have NPD; and after years of being tolerant while losing my feeling of sanity with people, I still have my morals, integrity & ethics intact when I'm around others.
I don't think I will ever be fully healed because of growing up as the Scapegoat for bullies, and my siblings, and contracting PTSD later on; to maturing & living independently with my so-called friends and co-workers who scared me more than didn't.
I've dealt with people who appear to have NPD all my life, and in just the past five years experienced personal covert and overt narcissist abuse from 5 people.
Still, I'm a Spiritual genuine deeply sensitive Empath, and while trying to heal every day from my mental and psychological abuse, and trying to write so I can help as many people as I can, I am ruminating all the time.
Rumination is one of the hardest components to completely remove from the heads of people like me. This is why I call myself an unhealed Empath, since I can not remove my head, I will always be ruminating; thus, unhealed.
So I like to Chill when I can; especially with music or TV or the cats when chores are done, unlike a Narcissist who just wants to get out there and go go go, with no music, TV or chores, not to mention communication or reciprocal love; or they've locked themselves in their room waiting for it all to pass.
I am the giver of more than I take, so if I were to have you come over, I would give you more than I would take from you. I would have you chill with my music or tv, while I do all the chores, and have you do what you would enjoy most; one of the reasons narcissists target me.
I've always been the loving; the giving, the over-sensitive, the verbally caring and gentle with others while showing respect and Love, not to mention offering nice things to do when you're not chilling and I'm not crying with happiness from our time together.
I can cry when I'm really happy, and I can cry when I'm really sad, but yes, I cry a lot, but I cry about more things than people think. People think when you're crying you're crying from something that happened to you, but many times I cry about something that happened to someone else as well.
To me, self-reflection and projection of Love, are very important for people to possess, as they show they are a good person, just as important as words are when they come out of their mouths, so I don't hold it in. Besides, holding in your emotions at whatever time is not as good for you as it is letting it out.
My biggest advice to everyone is to not keep in your emotions, whether you feel sad or happy. Mostly be a genuine good person without hurting anyone, or making anyone feel bad or sad, and choose your words carefully while doing so. Allow people to be sad or happy, and remember your words have rippling effects from one person to another.
It just seems to me that many people don't know how to be that way exactly, let alone be an authentic; and genuine; nice beautiful or loving person with the right words coming out of their mouths. Too many people surely do know how to be pathological abusers though, while faking their way with others through life and illiterately explaining all the time..
Those kinds of people could be narcissists with a red flag waving at you, so watch out. If they are, it won't stop there, because at some point you'll see more red flags. They are hyper-critical or have lots of judgments against others; thinking those judgments while the others are expressing genuine emotions.
They ignore boundaries or invade privacy, they are possessive and/or controlling, they are manipulative, they often dismiss you and your feelings and embarrass you in public or in front of family and friends, or people you work with.
Like a drunk they're subtly calling you names, mocking you or laughing at you. They have blinders on when it comes to understanding more than what they know; for one, being emotionally intelligent and sharing sympathy with others. There's a whole list.
So, minus the beautiful friends I once had, there were pathological and narcissistic abusers everywhere in my life ever since I can remember until I met my one true Love.
I remember since being a child while growing up and seeing terrible people behaving in terrible ways, hearing people saying terrible things and hurting others in so many ways; that when I noticed those ways, I would say to myself as an affirmation & goal; that I will never do that, never say that, never be that.
So here I am, at the final precipice of my goals and affirmations, a good person, talking to another good person, and sharing myself completely on this blogspot.
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