Me.5

             In 1997, finally away from Downtown Toronto & a few years after living with my beautiful Mom the way God Intended, I found the Love of My Life and for 21 years & 4 months, I Lived my best most happiest & Loving Life with my new man.

 

💖ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶠᵒʳᵍᵉᵗ, ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵃˡˡ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃᵍᵉˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵐᵉ ᵃˢ ʷᵉˡˡ💖

ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵈⁱᶠᶠᵉʳᵃⁿᵗ ᵖⁱᶜᵗᵘʳᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ.

             He was more than all that I dreamed of finding, throughout all the years I spent hoping and praying I would find someone as beautiful as him. He showed me more than I was ever capable of knowing, understanding, believing, and accepting, and forever after meeting him I was a changed person. From just sweet girly-boy, to all the wonderful words that describe me today; minus whatever the narcissists describe me as.

             My life was perfect with him, every day was a healing and joyous Love-of-life with him, we grew with each other, into each other and blossomed as one, in perfect love and perfect trust. He was all I ever needed and wanted, day and night, with music and laughter and sexy time walks and talks ever after. I knew him and trusted him, like knowing and trusting myself.

             I miss him so; there's no way for me to begin writing again or enough for you to understand and know the excitement and fun; nurturing and emotional intelligence, spiritual peace and serenity, appreciation and confidence he gave to me daily. However, I'm sure you get the gist.

             His name was Edward C Remming; he was quite the man, but to bundle it all up he was my beloved honey-bunny; my booby-shmooby, my sweety pie, my love song in the morning noon and night; and when I met him he was only 54, while I was turning 30.

             Finally, I was in Perfect Love in perfect trust. He was my perfect Soulmate in a perfect big life he gave me; a life that I never thought would end. Because when you live life on cloud 9 together, you see nothing but blue skies above forever,, and then he passed away November 10, 2018.

             Now after 5 years of hell without my beloved; it is a loneliness I never thought I could survive; a grief that struck me and stayed with me, pulling me down every day; I felt like I was going to wither away feeling bitter about everything, and hating everyone, wanting to just sit on the floor daily and cry to death.

             Meeting Narcissist all my life before, and then after he left, is what influenced my terrible feelings, from with workmen right away taking advantage of me, to the narcissist 11 months later coming to live with me, I didn't know how I would survive.

             After that narcissist another one, then another one then another one, and when I had to go out into the real world to get things done (bank, shopping etc.) they were everywhere. Rude and nasty people looking at me weirdly; while I'm still deeply grieving, giving me the evil eye and so on and so forth. 

             All my life people told me that I was a survivor, I didn't think they knew what they were talking about but now I do. Now I know that they were correct, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually I survive.

             I was never interested in learning how to drive a car either, so that keeps me here every day without being able to go anywhere for pleasure or necessity, yet I'm surviving, because I have the internet with stores that deliver to me what I need. 

             And I can always take an Uber or Taxi to the Bank or where ever else I need to go, while surviving without my beloved. I never thought I could survive him being gone, but here I am 5 years later, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually sound.

             During the first 11 months after my beloved passed away, my neighbours became what I thought were friends, and there for me whenever I needed them, but then my neighbours wanted to not help me anymore and told me so. Then they became those non-friends people have, and only good neighbors. Abandoning me once and for all, after knowing they were there for me at first and I may forever need them, I really didn't think I would survive, but somehow I did.

             Well I still love them but they never loved me (never said they did either and never had to time to get to know me more), they only love their own family, and that's fine. No one really has time for anyone, only for those who take priority. I'm no priority for anyone right now.

             I know I would never find another true friend, true Love; another Ed, another person that means as much, makes me feel as much, keeps me alive as much, protects me and fills my days with showing and speaking lovingly to me as much, or give to me a happy dream life of Perfect Love & Perfect Trust, so most likely I will be disappointed with people I get close to (or give myself to regardless of them being reciprocal or not) the rest of my life.

             I know there is no one now, who cares about me as much, or enough, or at all. I know I could never meet another man who could fill my world and make my spirit fly with his Expressions of Love daily (physical, mental, emotional & verbal Love and trust) again. 

             My beloved was my rock and salt of the earth, so here I am without sweetness and intimate personal & emotional Forever Love from anyone or anything but wild Cats outside that live on the Land. A land created just for us with a loving home, with a spiritual awakening that guides me when I'm outside and consoles me when I'm inside.

             All of it, reminds me, that I deserve to be this blessed, as I was blessed the first day I met Ed. Spiritually I still speak to my beloved and the Land, and thank them both for all that was; that is, and that will be. I'm not religious no, but I am a spiritual person, and that's even more chapters so let's move on (before I start crying and shaking again).

             I live in an area full of heterosexuals, and located in the country without a community of any kind here for me; or anyone to make sure I'm okay and have what I need to survive alone while I grow older and older. I'm very far from any city or town, and I can't drive anywhere. Everyone has their own life with their own problems and issues, and I will be Living not so happily ever after with myself, my Wild Cats and plenty of memories.

             With my beautiful Wild Cats that live outside; I take care of them and have been for 5 years now. I feed them and play with them, let them come in and look around, let them sleep inside if they want, make shelters on the porch for them to stay in, and kiss them hold them and tell them I love them.

             I sing to them and talk to them and play the music for them. They reciprocate and show me they appreciate me constantly. They make me think of everything; everyone I miss, everything I've ever loved, and just everything. I give them everything.

             Thank you for visiting and now you know a little more about me my life. Maybe you just wanted to know about me and do without all the Narcissisticals, but to know me is to know my NPD Abuse for years. Don't forget; if you want to see pictures of me and my life from before, check out My Photo Albums at Facebook saved. Also don't forget to request a friendship with me and visit my stream; where my words; feelings, and emotions flow along like a dream. 

             Speaking of don't forget, don't forget that like a blood-sucking vampire (or monster) you don't recognize any longer, Narcissists are really just broken people with no core intact; or no that's not true,, they have a schizoid core that is flooded with emptiness, deep shame, confabulations, accusations & punitive thoughts.

             I'm here also to support you or chat with you, by way of My Facebook, so feel free and welcome to my friendship online. I hope I've helped someone with all that I wrote, but if you wanna hear some incredible Speakers on NPD Abuse & Healing; I have been following many of them, and they have saved me while helping me heal. I'll hook you up.

             💖 Thank you for always being a good person and showing your Love; integrity; sympathy; empathy; compassion; self-reflection; morals & ethics and emotional intelligence to everyone, don't forget to go a little further with words of comfort or sweetness.

Life is full of sweetness when more and more people give sweetness to others, such unfathomable sweetness, that I've got to see a dentist already.

For more unfathomable, come take a fathom at my YouTubeChannel 

💖Tʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴏʀ sʜᴀʀɪɴɢ, ᴄᴀʀɪɴɢ, ɪɴsᴘɪʀɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴠɪsɪᴛɪɴɢ ᴍʏ Bʟᴏɢsᴘᴏᴛ💖