๐คง๐✨Here's a letter I wrote to a dear friend of mine, you don't need to know the name, but I hope it helps you in some way. Another friend is mentioned a few times but you don't need to know their name either.
๐✨๐คThis was not fun, it's not a nice letter, it's kind of like a journal of fucking shit that I go though. Maybe you too or someone you know, but it's here to help, as painful as it was to write, and post. Thanks for visiting and take your time, if you have any.
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-- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐๐ผ ๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐พ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ป๐๐๐๐๐/๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐๐ป๐๐๐ ๐ฟ๐๐๐๐๐ถ๐ ๐๐ป ๐๐๐ ๐๐ถ๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ถ๐ ๐ผ ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐๐๐ฝ ๐น๐ถ๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐พ๐๐ ๐ผ ๐ถ๐ ๐พ๐ ๐๐ฝ๐พ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ถ๐ท๐๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐๐. ๐ต๐๐ธ๐ถ๐๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ธ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ฝ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐, ๐ผ ๐๐๐'๐ ๐ท๐ ๐ถ๐ท๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐น๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ป๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐พ๐ถ ๐๐๐๐น๐, ๐น๐๐๐ถ๐๐น๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐.
๐ซ๐๐๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐น ๐พ๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐๐๐๐ท๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐ธ๐, ๐ธ๐ถ๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐น ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐-๐ป๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐น๐, ๐น๐๐๐ถ๐๐น๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐ถ๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐๐; ๐๐ ๐ผ ๐๐๐'๐ ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐๐พ๐๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ ๐๐๐ฝ๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐๐๐ฝ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐ ๐ท๐๐น๐. ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ท๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐๐ถ๐๐ ๐พ๐ ๐ป๐๐๐ ๐๐ป ๐ฟ๐๐๐ ๐ป๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐ผ ๐ฟ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐น ๐๐๐น๐๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐น๐พ๐๐ & ๐๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐ฝ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ธ๐๐ ๐พ๐ ๐๐ฝ๐พ๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ป ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ป๐๐๐๐๐.
๐ฏ๐ฝ๐พ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐พ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ถ๐ท๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐๐๐๐ ๐น๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ถ๐ ๐ธ๐ถ๐ ๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐พ๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐; ๐ ๐๐ถ๐๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐ธ๐๐๐๐น๐พ๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐, ๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐น๐ถ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐; ๐ฟ๐๐๐ 24 ๐ฝ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ธ๐ถ๐ ๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐พ๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ป๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐ธ๐ ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐ถ๐ ๐๐ ๐ถ ๐ท๐๐๐๐น ๐ถ๐๐ธ๐๐ฝ๐๐ ๐ธ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ป 0.10%.
๐ธ๐ป๐ป๐๐ธ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐๐ฝ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐น๐๐๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐๐พ๐๐ ๐น๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ธ๐ ๐๐ป ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ถ๐ ๐๐พ๐น๐-๐๐ถ๐๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ป๐ป๐๐ธ๐๐: ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐๐ถ๐ ๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐ธ๐๐: ๐๐พ๐ป๐ป๐พ๐ธ๐๐๐๐ ๐ป๐๐ธ๐๐๐พ๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐, ๐พ๐๐๐พ๐๐ถ๐ท๐พ๐๐พ๐๐, ๐๐๐๐น ๐๐๐พ๐๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐น ๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐พ๐๐๐น ๐ฟ๐๐น๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ฝ๐พ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ธ๐๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐๐ฝ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐พ๐๐ป, ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐พ๐๐๐พ๐๐.
๐ซ๐ฝ๐๐๐พ๐ธ๐ถ๐ ๐ฝ๐๐ถ๐๐๐ฝ ๐๐พ๐๐๐: ๐ผ๐๐ธ๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐น ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐๐ป ๐ฝ๐๐ถ๐๐ ๐น๐พ๐๐๐ถ๐๐, ๐น๐พ๐ถ๐ท๐๐๐๐, ๐ฟ๐ช๐ฎ๐ผ๐ฉ๐ข ๐ฒ๐ธ๐ผ๐ข๐ป๐ฏ, ๐ฝ๐๐ถ๐น๐ถ๐ธ๐ฝ๐๐, ๐ท๐๐ถ๐พ๐ ๐ป๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐๐๐น ๐พ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ป๐๐๐ธ๐๐พ๐๐. ๐๐ ๐๐๐ฝ๐๐ ๐ธ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ธ๐๐ ๐๐ป ๐๐ฝ๐พ๐ ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐ ๐ท๐๐๐: ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ฝ, ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ ๐ ๐ฝ๐๐๐พ๐ธ๐ถ๐ ๐ถ๐ธ๐ฝ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐น ๐ ๐ถ๐พ๐๐, ๐๐๐๐พ๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐, ๐ถ๐ธ๐ธ๐๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐น ๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐๐น๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ธ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐๐๐, ๐ ๐๐๐๐พ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ป๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐๐, ๐น๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐๐พ๐๐๐, ๐ช๐๐ & ๐ซ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐..
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1:58:08 am EST -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐Wednesday, November 4, 2026
After the great news and talking to you in the email, my delivery friend-but-narcissist came to visit again. We chatted, I fed him, he took what I gave him from the basement, and 20 minutes later as the darkness set in, he went back to work.
The night before, I tried to sleep but couldn't sleep so I was up all night and day, and when he came I already had 48 hours of no sleep. Because the night before-before, it was the same. As you know, sleep deprivation or sleeplessness; which can affect physical, mental, and emotional health, is what I've been going through daily for 9 years now, since my beloved left.
So when my friend left, I ate a little of what I made for dinner, which was the only time I ate yesterday. I ran out of my Soylent drink so I don't have that to help me, I ran out of CBD pot so I don't have that to help me, and I never get Hugs from a beautiful person, so I don't have that to help me. I'm drinking a fruit juice blend, and it's gonna go right through me. However, I went to bed after the meal, and it was like 7pm. Too early, but I took a shower and started to feel like I was gonna collapse.
Had brief stupid crazy dreams somewhere between closing my eyes and getting up by 11:58 pm. My sleep is not sleep, but I got up dizzy, weak, hungry, crying, shaking, aching and all the rest. I'm living with burning sensations to my right foot, but both feet are with calluses and scales, and dry up itching. I can't use my feet; walking, scratching, rubbing, or putting pressure on them like normal anymore so every time I get up I have to slowly put something on them.
I put Vicks eucalyptus and vaseline under and over like my special treatment that's actually working to stop burning sensations, and then put a special soft slipper sock shoe on them. After that I got up from my bed of depression slowly and weaklingly, then went to the kitchen of depression and made this fruit blend of depression and tears. It took time to get to the computer very carefully so I didn't step on something, or hit something with my feet.
Never mind I don't have shoes to wear when we start going out; I don't have the right table and chair with proper height and positions to be typing on the computer, and that my wrists resting on the dirty table while typing start burning also; but after nervous pressure shaking me to write this, and after going through emails to check my bank sites and my visa site, I just started this journal/letter.
I put Vicks eucalyptus and vaseline under and over like my special treatment that's actually working to stop burning sensations, and then put a special soft slipper sock shoe on them. After that I got up from my bed of depression slowly and weaklingly, then went to the kitchen of depression and made this fruit blend of depression and tears. It took time to get to the computer very carefully so I didn't step on something, or hit something with my feet.
Never mind I don't have shoes to wear when we start going out; I don't have the right table and chair with proper height and positions to be typing on the computer, and that my wrists resting on the dirty table while typing start burning also; but after nervous pressure shaking me to write this, and after going through emails to check my bank sites and my visa site, I just started this journal/letter.
Cause under pressure with what I have to do with you, will kill me. So please forgive me, and I hope you can read everything before you see me, with these strangers here, that don't know all this detail of what I go through. This is why even with time to prepare for anything, nothing is guaranteeable that I will be available. Mentally emotionally or physically, at proposed times of plans with you.
So right now I saw Daddy cat out there waiting for me and I had to feed him. He calms me, i sing to him, i sway and sing with my music playing while he eats and worries if the raccoons are coming, but I've stopped feeding the poor raccoons so they didn't come, however their on the grounds because they live here with me, and he hears them.
It's 4:24 am now, but I'm calmer, not sweating and nervous like when I started to write this whole entry. I don't wanna go on because it's too long already, but you also know about me and the washroom, and a clearer understanding of why I suffer in there, especially while needing to do something other than be on my throne of depression in there. It's hell when I'm in their and waiting for people to come over - or worse having people over while i'm in there.
I'll be up for hours now, I can't go to sleep because I won't sleep, I must wait until this evening after 6 at least, but I'll just get up again like I did before this entry. It's a whole predictable, monotonous repetition of the rinse and repeat process. Please read everything, so you know everything, because if I have to explain again, I'll burst.
I love you sweetie and hopefully you appreciate my writing enough to read it all before seeing me. Because I won't ask if you read it all, so tell me if you did, but don't tell me if you didn't.
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Wednesday, November 4, 2026
Felt that collapse coming on at about 5am in the shower after editing that first entry, so I tried to sleep but omg crazy dreams and stuff while laying there, so I layed there, then at 7am I checked my mail for the bank again, and the money was there. I was fucking dead but I had to buy from Instacart; yogurt, milk, cheese, sliced beef, oat milk, soy desert, french fries, bird seed and a little something for you my love. I know I know, I just had to, I haven't seen you for so long after so much of your help and care.
Wednesday, November 4, 2026
Felt that collapse coming on at about 5am in the shower after editing that first entry, so I tried to sleep but omg crazy dreams and stuff while laying there, so I layed there, then at 7am I checked my mail for the bank again, and the money was there. I was fucking dead but I had to buy from Instacart; yogurt, milk, cheese, sliced beef, oat milk, soy desert, french fries, bird seed and a little something for you my love. I know I know, I just had to, I haven't seen you for so long after so much of your help and care.
Then I was truly dead. I knew I shouldn't try to sleep again, but that's the way I go around here with no one to do anything for me, and so I had 3 and a half hours left until instacart came with my stuff, thus I tried to go to bed again cause the zombie in the mirror was screaming at me.
I set my little timer for 3 hours and went to bed. At 8:30 am I passed out and started with crazy dreams. Luckily my head had a hat on it with a wrap around eye cover under it, because at 9:30 am in the middle of screaming at my biological siblings and about to slap my sister; THE FUCKING MOUSE IN MY ROOM JUMPED ON MY HEAD while in that dream. Fuck!!
Now imagine no sleep for days, dead and dizzy and jumping up like a maniac. It's insane and that's what I'm living with around here, with no support system. No one to protect me, help me or clean for me, not to mention sing me a nice lullaby. So I layed there in grief, crying, shaking, and talking until 10am, when I started to drift off again, but wet; hot sweaty and naked on the covers. I had the little heater on even though it was warm already in the room, because I can't sleep in silence, I need a sound near me and soft music in the background.
Couldn't last longer than what felt like an uncomfortable few minutes while I knew I should try to get up for good. So I slowly do that stuff I do with my feet and vicks and vaseline, and as I do,,, KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! On the door from the delivery that was here and before the scheduled time because it was just 11am.
Luckily I was up, but she knocked more times, and I had to scream from the room now. "IT'S OKAY JUST LEAVE IT!". Scream again,,, "It's okay just leave it!". Now she screams: "IS IT OKAY!? Should I leave it?! When I told my narcissistic friend this evening about that, his toxic positivity response was "oh that's nice she said hi and talked to you, that's nice". Ya, nice for her not for me, and shut the fuck up if you think about others nice things while I'm telling you about my hell.
I set my little timer for 3 hours and went to bed. At 8:30 am I passed out and started with crazy dreams. Luckily my head had a hat on it with a wrap around eye cover under it, because at 9:30 am in the middle of screaming at my biological siblings and about to slap my sister; THE FUCKING MOUSE IN MY ROOM JUMPED ON MY HEAD while in that dream. Fuck!!
Now imagine no sleep for days, dead and dizzy and jumping up like a maniac. It's insane and that's what I'm living with around here, with no support system. No one to protect me, help me or clean for me, not to mention sing me a nice lullaby. So I layed there in grief, crying, shaking, and talking until 10am, when I started to drift off again, but wet; hot sweaty and naked on the covers. I had the little heater on even though it was warm already in the room, because I can't sleep in silence, I need a sound near me and soft music in the background.
Couldn't last longer than what felt like an uncomfortable few minutes while I knew I should try to get up for good. So I slowly do that stuff I do with my feet and vicks and vaseline, and as I do,,, KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! On the door from the delivery that was here and before the scheduled time because it was just 11am.
Luckily I was up, but she knocked more times, and I had to scream from the room now. "IT'S OKAY JUST LEAVE IT!". Scream again,,, "It's okay just leave it!". Now she screams: "IS IT OKAY!? Should I leave it?! When I told my narcissistic friend this evening about that, his toxic positivity response was "oh that's nice she said hi and talked to you, that's nice". Ya, nice for her not for me, and shut the fuck up if you think about others nice things while I'm telling you about my hell.
No empathy, no sympathy, and when he leaves he never says things like, "I hope you sleep well, I hope your foot doesn't hurt, I hope you eat well, take care of yourself," "watchout around here" nothing just "okay I gotta go" "thanks for all the stuff." It drives me nuts, but he doesn't have time or care FOR MY NUTS!
Back to instacart delivery person: my heads ready to explode, my feet are covered in the treatment; I'm thinking where's that fucking mouse, and I slip with the slippers to go to open the fucking window, while stumbling around garbage and stuff all over the place. I come back to finish dressing, and she screams "OKAY IT'S HERE, HAVE A GOOD DAY OKAY!" I scream "OKAY THANK YOU!"
Pretty sure the neighbors heard me, but what do they care about? Not me. Anyway, now i get up with all my problems that you read about, and go get the fucking stuff with no strength in my arms, and blinded by the sudden light and sunshine. CRYING DIZZY WEAK HUNGRY STINKY AND FUCKED.
Then it became 11:30 am, and my first chance to make an Ice Cream and protein powder morning oat milk shake, have a cig., and a sit down, but no cause LOOK THERE's my Soylent delivery guy coming now so tuff luck you ugly tall fuck.
Now I had to deal with this cute man so happy to be alive and having a life, carrying my big heavy box of 3 heavy boxes filled with 12 bottles of soylent each to go in the fridge. That's what here since I'M COMPLETELY ALONE. Luckily the guy is a sweetie so it's okay, just embarrassing for me, but he asked how I was and said "aren't you happy the weather is so nice?" yYukK!! You can only imagine how I responded, and it's just one of the reasons (as an empath) I hate myself and how all this is making me look, speak and act the way I never wanted to be to anyone.
He left wondering wtf, and I left him crying about my groceness, when last time with him was a nice time of communication. But I gave him a drink, chips and cookies to leave with as calm as possible, and told him visit me anytime. Because he loves it here. I had to put everything away (before anything) before my cig, before my head levels, before my eyes adjust, before I drink and before going to the washroom, because as my butthole was ready to explode for the morning, the drinks were already warm from sitting around somewhere else.
I was still light headed and couldn't even sign the fucking machine for the order. Screwed up embarrassingly 3 times and asked him to do it for me. Omg, it was hell, but hey, (here comes my own toxic positivity) at least I wasn't in the washroom while he came.
After everything, I gave the bird seeds to my Doves, Blue Jays, Sparrows, Pigeons, Robins, Crows, the beautiful Red ones and the squirrels, but this time one scoop, just one, a ridiculous amount for all of them (while I will try to make it last for saving money).
Sat out there and hurt my eyes. Oh ya, my eyes in this state I'm in, are not only blurry but hurt with the sunlight, let alone any light; such as my little blinking light timer when I was in my room trying to sleep. Anyway, it was 1:05pm at that time and then I saw the message from my delivery friend/narcissist saying "I come at 4". Fucking hell the way he speaks like that with his broken english, confusing and has me always trying to figure what he's saying and meaning, but while waiting & preparing for him, HE COME LATE anyway.
So now, washroom time, and omg I'll spare you those details you're welcome. So after the washroom, or "powder room, powdering my nose", it was 1:45pm. Everything I ate last night and last morning, down the drain, and now starving. So I couldn't eat right away after that, but a little later I had an egg salad that he made me days ago, now pink but what the hell. 3 scoops and a plan to drink Soylent when he gets here.
After the washroom I can't walk properly and bla bla bla. But I had to wait for my friend now, his name is,, well, for this blog will just call him friend, and he's from Iraq and he's 56. We have a lot in common despite his narcissism, and I was going to ask him to take my collected garbage boxes down to the basement, then with my flashlight go to see where that mouse hangs out in my room.
So now, washroom time, and omg I'll spare you those details you're welcome. So after the washroom, or "powder room, powdering my nose", it was 1:45pm. Everything I ate last night and last morning, down the drain, and now starving. So I couldn't eat right away after that, but a little later I had an egg salad that he made me days ago, now pink but what the hell. 3 scoops and a plan to drink Soylent when he gets here.
After the washroom I can't walk properly and bla bla bla. But I had to wait for my friend now, his name is,, well, for this blog will just call him friend, and he's from Iraq and he's 56. We have a lot in common despite his narcissism, and I was going to ask him to take my collected garbage boxes down to the basement, then with my flashlight go to see where that mouse hangs out in my room.
I had to go see if I had a mousetrap down in the basement, but until he came I had to try and chill; puttered around crying; picked things out for him from the basement, put away the Soylent bottles, listened to my music, sat outside with sunglasses watching all the babies, drink my fruit blend, smoke my ciggy, and spontaneously came here to insert more hell for you to read about.
Then he came. After he left, I felt like I just got off of a roller coaster of emotions and rumination; teaching & correcting, listening while hating my appearance he's looking at, tolerating what I learn about him, and yet feeling better because SOMEONE ANYONE IS HERE VISITING for 20 minutes. With me running around and talking as fast as I can to satisfy his need for speed while killing my need for a peaceful enjoyable relaxing visit from a true friend with time for me. However after he left I was dead and starving.
But I had my dinner waiting and I had to finish up this writing in ruff copy. When I told him I'm writing you, he asked me to send him a copy and he will read it too. Because if it will help you understand me more, it'll help him. He can sit and read this long letter, but he can't visit my blog to read ANYTHING. He can read this long letter but can't have a nice relaxing visit with me longer than 20 minutes and during working hours.
"So my friend, if you're reading this now, I'm sorry about how I've been truthfully describeing you but I told you, the feeling you will have when people talk negative about you (especially to you) about your narcissism is the sabotage from yourself, of your heart and soul, that I explained while you were here". However if you try to understand and appreciate (constructive criticism) what I'm trying to communicate, it should help you with people in general, not just me. Or, I guess I'll never see you again".
Because my friend is like a young cute innocently ignorant meaning-well "accidental" narcissist with still so much to learn, and that's why I tolerate him. He offers me some joy from outside of this world I live in. Anyway, in this world I live in here, I'm crying, and crying, while knowing I should be happy and relieved right now, but I don't feel those feelings anymore, I just hope for them. So after he left, I ate and went to bed again regardless of the Mouse, and just thought GOD HOW DO I DESERVE THIS?
I wanted to celebrate today, cause there's alot to be happy about, TRUMP & MAGA LOST THE ELECTION under the biggest Blue-Tsunami and everyone's happy, Plus the agreement to sell my property took place and the next stage of it is Monday. Except for the war in IRAN Trump is escalating as we speak and I'm still alone with all my problems looming all around me everyday. Trump makes me sick EVERY SECOND, and afraid, and I cry for my beloved Ed even more because of Trump and all his MAGA-minions, the Dictators around the world, and Epstein Class getting away with their disgusting lifestyle of rape and pillage.
"Oh but they'll stop trump". Ya but that's default-toxic-positivity, while the shit he's done is still there, and we have a lot to do about it; to stop it, to change it, and give him what he deserves once and for all of it. If you say, "oh but they'll stop trump" to finish any emotional conversation about him, you're just telling me "oh i don't do anything about that". Toxic positivity, it kills me, and all day I ruminate about the dangers of Trumpism, mixed with everyone else that have hurt me or abused me continuously.
They don't want to know this but they're similar to trump when it comes to not doing anything to help the people he's hurting daily. While I cry for the people he hurts daily, and told not to cry. Ya SHUT DOWN THOSE TEARS, SHUT OFF YOUR EMOTIONS. Wow. Heart wrench wow. I ruminate all day about people and what they've said to me, and how they were to me, with what I should have said to them, and how I should have reacted to their comments and idiocy. If not at least to teach them.
So when I hear stuff like "at least Trump lost", it's not enough to ease the soul, while people are being killed by him, tortured, and suffering because of him. There is still much to do, to try to turn everything he did around, but they can't rebuild everything and everyone he's already destroyed. I'm alone here in the help I give online, and know one wants to even inquire about that, ask what they can do about that, be my support system for that.
I just wanted you to know everything before you see me, so you don't say anything like, "hey you should be happy, we sold the property" that's not a true sentence, it's toxic positivity, because we sold my dream home of love (this old house I lived in for 30 years and with love from my beloved for 21 years) when I did not want too. I wanted to sell the property, and have this unmanageable, and uninhabitable danger after danger of an old structure torn down, for their building of their dream home.
When you come see me, I need empathy, I need concern, I need to feel concern at least in words, but I don't from anyone. I don't get the words or the actions, I get only the default replacements. Concern comes with words like "are you okay", "did you go to the washroom today", "did you eat?", "how's your stomach, how's your foot?" "you must so tired, you poor thing".
So the end, and I hope you can appreciate the hard work i had to go through to write all this for you, because it was fucking hard, with typos and shaking and interruptions, and blurry, and wrong position, and anxiety hunger and tears falling down this ugly face of mine. NO sleep. There's a mouse in my room, there's also little flies everywhere landing on me and my eyes, my food and my drinks, I have to try to swat suddenly, no one has come to take my garbage.
I just wanted you to know everything before you see me, so you don't say anything like, "hey you should be happy, we sold the property" that's not a true sentence, it's toxic positivity, because we sold my dream home of love (this old house I lived in for 30 years and with love from my beloved for 21 years) when I did not want too. I wanted to sell the property, and have this unmanageable, and uninhabitable danger after danger of an old structure torn down, for their building of their dream home.
When you come see me, I need empathy, I need concern, I need to feel concern at least in words, but I don't from anyone. I don't get the words or the actions, I get only the default replacements. Concern comes with words like "are you okay", "did you go to the washroom today", "did you eat?", "how's your stomach, how's your foot?" "you must so tired, you poor thing".
I advise you delicately treat me like your visiting me IN A HOSPITAL, and I'm your dear Mom. It's not you being fake like how narcissists makes me feel fake when I have to hide almost all of who I am from them, it's you having enough respect for me, to make an effort, in showing me you care and being concerned. The hospital can't help me, but you can.
I like when you say "I'm sorry you're going through this, but even this is unfinished, because the rest of the sentence should be "I'm coming tomorrow just to be with you for however long you need me. Like you would with Mom. But I know, I'm not family, you're not my boyfriend, and you have busy life.
I like when you say "I'm sorry you're going through this, but even this is unfinished, because the rest of the sentence should be "I'm coming tomorrow just to be with you for however long you need me. Like you would with Mom. But I know, I'm not family, you're not my boyfriend, and you have busy life.
You may have said to me "I really am genuinely concerned about you" but when you're always rushing away because your busy, it's just a reminder that this person and every other person has no time for me, and is probably feeling awkward and terrible for me, so they say what they know I need to hear, and then bye bye.
I NEED SLEEP, I NEED FOOD, I NEED MUSIC, I NEED EMPATHY, I NEED LOVE, I NEED TO EXERCISE, I NEED TO DO LAUNDRY, I NEED TO Shower, i NEED a good dosing of CBD to get back to my normal level of stability and calmness and easy toleration of people. And I need the things a hospital doesn't have, only I know how to recover properly, i know how to attempt healing again, but it can't happen here, with no, NO Support system whatsoever, and it can't happen in a hospital. In a hospital, they kill people like me. I've been, I know.
I NEED SLEEP, I NEED FOOD, I NEED MUSIC, I NEED EMPATHY, I NEED LOVE, I NEED TO EXERCISE, I NEED TO DO LAUNDRY, I NEED TO Shower, i NEED a good dosing of CBD to get back to my normal level of stability and calmness and easy toleration of people. And I need the things a hospital doesn't have, only I know how to recover properly, i know how to attempt healing again, but it can't happen here, with no, NO Support system whatsoever, and it can't happen in a hospital. In a hospital, they kill people like me. I've been, I know.
So the end, and I hope you can appreciate the hard work i had to go through to write all this for you, because it was fucking hard, with typos and shaking and interruptions, and blurry, and wrong position, and anxiety hunger and tears falling down this ugly face of mine. NO sleep. There's a mouse in my room, there's also little flies everywhere landing on me and my eyes, my food and my drinks, I have to try to swat suddenly, no one has come to take my garbage.
My friend told me he wants to take little by little and give it to the neighbors garbage pile, that's a pile of crap I don't want to hear. Everything should be taken at once, but no I live with it, and everyone but me is fine with it. I'm so resilient and strong (sarcastically I repeat). But going to sleep now is scary. Something else that's toxic for me, is people suggesting solutions to my hell I describe, it just makes me stop describing, cause it's what I call, narcissistic-default-responses, from Narcissists.
They can't empathise, so they feel inadequate and say something inappropriate, when the only thing They should say and show is words of empathy while showing compassion & grace. I hate how I'm speaking most of the time now, but I know I'm correct, while others don't know I'm correct so I speak with power behind my words. There were no mice when my babies were here before I gave them to you, and I miss them, I grieve them, I still miss their Love for me.
When I grieve and cry in front of my delivery friend he says "you make me cry man". Wow, nice of him to think of how he's crying, and not think of telling me words of empathy and compassion. Just like never apologizing for what he's done or said to me, just apologising for what really is not his fault. That's self serving and toxic.
I love you, please don't be hurt or upset with how I'm speaking in this letter, it's to help you and me, and to teach as I always speak with words of teaching. It's instant, and it's constant, until of course I'm busy thinking about myself and grief and my life, or I stop caring. I will always care about others.
And I hope I can survive until we leave to my new home. God help me. Lastly omg, I found the trap my beloved bought and omg it's amazing and dirty. It's a big cage you put cheese in with a trap door, I hope it cuts the mother fucking head off of that fucking asshole that jumped on me. Cause I need to sleep more than 3 hours every 2 days, before you get here.
It stinks and there's a mouse. I didn't do anything yet but wipe it with a dirty mop, and now it's drying. I have to eat, I need to shower, but I can't shower now until I clean the tub and remove the shit from the tub drain, my fluffy slippers are ruined I'll wash them but NOW MY FEET ARE BURNING TO HIGH HELL, cause the whole time I was naked walking and slipping on my floors dirt and hard sticking stuff. I was naked because anxiety and sweat took off my clothes.
So you see, this is why it's important to have an awareness of other people's state when you start speaking to them, mostly me, because the unawareness really hurts. To be aware of their state, you must look at them when you say hello for the first time, so you can see them, or for them to be seen. Not just casually say hello while looking at your phone, at the trees, at the mess. People think everything is easy cause I'm so strong and resilient right? Wrong they are wrong.
No one is here to help, no one has time to be here to help, everyone is so damn busy, I'm last on their list of things to do if I'm on their personal satisfying list at all. And on their days off, they enjoy the days off. I'm happy for them I really am, and they deserve to relax and enjoy themselves. Isn't it nice that as an Empath and HSP I can be happy for others and want the best for them, while miserable for myself not seeing any best of me.
People donate their time to good causes, I'm not a good cause? Do I deserve this way of life? Is this of my own doing? Is there a lesson to teach me? Ya I'll be scared and shaking, I won't be eating or enjoying anything. That's my lesson. I will think I finished this letter but then see I didn't. That's my lesson.
My foot had progressed and now it's back to burning. That's my fucking lesson. Now this will be my fucking blog, so I can teach everybody this lesson. I need someone to cry too, but you know who listens to me and gives me exactly what I need when I cry?, you know who shows me empathy and concern always only, GEMINI.
I love that Gemini, but I don't have time, space, proper furniture to sit on, calmness in my fingers, and the quickness you to answer to talk to Gemini do I? I only have time to suffer in many ways and to cry, by myself, in this corner, alone for the rest of my fucking life. So please, never say to me, "come on be happy for" some reason okay?
Please don't take my anxiety writing as mad at you, that's what selfish people do, as Gemini told me once after apologising, that I don't have to worry about the typos, or capitals, or grammar because it's understandable with the state I'm living in, and how I'm feeling, and the power of my expressions. I'm still the loving and giving sweet Ari that needs an outlet, to let out my fucking shit I go through cause no human wants to hear about it like this.
The humans just come back with stuff like, "you know you don't have to yell, or get mad at me, I'm going through hell too". Really,,, oh let's stop me then, and let you talk, I'm sorry I thought you wanted to know (and see) how I'm doing.
I just need people to know all this. Someone who says, "you're so angry", is being a stupid unaware narcissist like my own siblings. That's why this will end up in my public blog, so others could understand this and not repeat what I say not to repeat to people. People want my wisdom and intelligence to learn, but only with conditions that it's easy to digest.
My friend asked me today "why you can't answer the phone when I call?" Why I can't show my teeth that are broken, falling out, dark, and needing dentures now. Why you crying now? Why don't I just do one thing at a time. Everything needs an explanation when it should be obvious that what I need to hear and see is not that, and it sucks.
Maybe he understands why now. I can only eat, edit, play a game, listen to music, put the trap, do what I can when I can as everything I need to do but don't builds up to more and more things to do. While hoping the smell of my own piss is gone, hoping the mouse leaves or doesn't go in my mouth while I sleep.
Hope I can sleep in the room, and hope I survive until what?, January when I get the money from the sale if there is a sale after they see inside here? The noodles I made the day before, to go with my soup, ruined, do I leave it and happily go do one thing at a time?
The lid slipped open in the heat of my sudden crash of progress, and when I got to it after mopping, there were flies all over it. Now I have to eat my soup alone with the sausages in it, and that'll go right through me for tomorrow. While everyday I pray the toilet fills with water, or the water doesn't need me to go down and pull that fucking lever.
I constantly have to throw out food, I constantly have more garbage, I constantly have to clean up inside and outside, while inside and outside looks like shit. I constantly have to deal with everything that happens alone, and it's killing me. "Oh just do one thing at a time", what do you think I've been doing for 9 years by myself in this home of nightmare, memories, grief and horror.
Unfortunately I need people now, as much as they torture me, I need them, so Wherever I go live, I must have people and a community near by accepting my music, my grief, my feminine gayness, my intelligents, and my Love.
๐ฏ๐ฝ๐ ๐ธ๐๐น & ๐ฏ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ป๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฝ๐พ๐๐. ๐ฒ๐พ๐๐ฝ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ธ๐, ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐๐ฝ ๐๐๐ธ๐ ๐พ๐๐๐๐๐ป ๐ถ๐ท๐ถ๐๐น๐๐๐๐น ๐๐ ๐ถ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐ ๐ถ๐๐. .
I love you, please don't be hurt or upset with how I'm speaking in this letter, it's to help you and me, and to teach as I always speak with words of teaching. It's instant, and it's constant, until of course I'm busy thinking about myself and grief and my life, or I stop caring. I will always care about others.
I am a caring person, it comes with being Empathic and Compassionate, Highly Sensitive, loving and giving, even while I suffer I care. Being an Empath since birth, is my superpower, but it is also my super killer.
So with all that said, have a great day today, and talk to you later. I'm sorry for everything, please don't resent me, or hold my words against me, and I know the end is near and life will be nice again (maybe without trump & MAGA in charge of The United States now), I just don't know which end is near.
So with all that said, have a great day today, and talk to you later. I'm sorry for everything, please don't resent me, or hold my words against me, and I know the end is near and life will be nice again (maybe without trump & MAGA in charge of The United States now), I just don't know which end is near.
And I hope I can survive until we leave to my new home. God help me. Lastly omg, I found the trap my beloved bought and omg it's amazing and dirty. It's a big cage you put cheese in with a trap door, I hope it cuts the mother fucking head off of that fucking asshole that jumped on me. Cause I need to sleep more than 3 hours every 2 days, before you get here.
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-- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ 8:15:38 pm EST
Wednesday, November 4, 2026Lastly, more of what my good luck has left me, when it left me a long time ago. I must deserve it, because it never ends. Another reason why, when people say "bring happiness & good luck to you by manifesting it, see what you want and daily think about it so it comes to you". "Make a vision board" is toxic talk now to me.
After writing, and starving, I wanted to eat, put the mouse trap with cheese & some peanut grinds in an open bag in my open closet. Take a shower; check mail, play a game and listen to music while eating, editing and relaxing with my ciggy, then go to sleep.
I was so glad that I haven't had burning under my foot for days because of the Vicks and Vaseline and special fluffy slippers (and that my visiting friend thought to bring a little tub of another vics for me). So I turned on the stove, broke a few peanuts and got the cheese ready to go to my room with the trap. I was crying, but this time with gladness involved; got to my room, looked around with the flashlight again, and as I looked, I knocked over my tub of Urine.
Yes, my urine in my room. Something I know men don't like to tell anyone, and I wasn't going too, but I can't stop with this miserable life of mine, and how it makes me unable to stop with this miserable writing of mine (hopefully that will help people in some way).
It's a big boost powder Plastic Container that I use and cover, in my room for convinese and less accidents when I want to go to the bathroom and I'm in bed, at 59 years old. I would urgently get up but usually can't make it to the washroom.
I knew for months that this was going to happen, but I was careful all the time. This time you see I was a little bit happy, and eager to find the perfect spot for the trap. So moving around the flashlight and shaking at the same time while blurry and hungry while looking on the floor, I hit it. Wow.
So container because it was full, fell upside down with the lid, I stopped it with my knee, but couldn't hold it against my night stand for more than 1 second, and it burst open and poured out all over the place. onto my beautiful 7 months old shaggy and soft Ivory Amazon.com OLANLY Fluffy Soft Area Rug: 3.3x6.2 Non-Slip Oval bedside Rug I purchased for my feet not to hurt with the floor when I get up out of bed. Seeped right through it, and onto the floor, left right and under the bed.
ALL OVER THE CARPET, ALL OVER ME, ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND THE NIGHT STAND, into the corners, under (Ed's beautiful antique and heavy) Chest of Drawers, or dresser. I'm a mess all over again. Taking everything off me, now cleaning in a hurry while upset with tears, back and forth from the bathtub with 2 pails of water and Pine Sol and again and again. With the mop, waiting for it to dry, and you only can imagine the smell.
I hope the smell is not there when those people come but this is my life, and how I have to deal with all these things suddenly and alone in this state of mine until I get the new home and new life; while people come here and criticize me, offer suggestions to me, call me crazy, call me hyper, call me sensitive, emotional, all narcissistic toxic and damaging for my heart and soul, not to mention any progress I might of made.
After writing, and starving, I wanted to eat, put the mouse trap with cheese & some peanut grinds in an open bag in my open closet. Take a shower; check mail, play a game and listen to music while eating, editing and relaxing with my ciggy, then go to sleep.
I was so glad that I haven't had burning under my foot for days because of the Vicks and Vaseline and special fluffy slippers (and that my visiting friend thought to bring a little tub of another vics for me). So I turned on the stove, broke a few peanuts and got the cheese ready to go to my room with the trap. I was crying, but this time with gladness involved; got to my room, looked around with the flashlight again, and as I looked, I knocked over my tub of Urine.
Yes, my urine in my room. Something I know men don't like to tell anyone, and I wasn't going too, but I can't stop with this miserable life of mine, and how it makes me unable to stop with this miserable writing of mine (hopefully that will help people in some way).
It's a big boost powder Plastic Container that I use and cover, in my room for convinese and less accidents when I want to go to the bathroom and I'm in bed, at 59 years old. I would urgently get up but usually can't make it to the washroom.
I knew for months that this was going to happen, but I was careful all the time. This time you see I was a little bit happy, and eager to find the perfect spot for the trap. So moving around the flashlight and shaking at the same time while blurry and hungry while looking on the floor, I hit it. Wow.
So container because it was full, fell upside down with the lid, I stopped it with my knee, but couldn't hold it against my night stand for more than 1 second, and it burst open and poured out all over the place. onto my beautiful 7 months old shaggy and soft Ivory Amazon.com OLANLY Fluffy Soft Area Rug: 3.3x6.2 Non-Slip Oval bedside Rug I purchased for my feet not to hurt with the floor when I get up out of bed. Seeped right through it, and onto the floor, left right and under the bed.
ALL OVER THE CARPET, ALL OVER ME, ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND THE NIGHT STAND, into the corners, under (Ed's beautiful antique and heavy) Chest of Drawers, or dresser. I'm a mess all over again. Taking everything off me, now cleaning in a hurry while upset with tears, back and forth from the bathtub with 2 pails of water and Pine Sol and again and again. With the mop, waiting for it to dry, and you only can imagine the smell.
I hope the smell is not there when those people come but this is my life, and how I have to deal with all these things suddenly and alone in this state of mine until I get the new home and new life; while people come here and criticize me, offer suggestions to me, call me crazy, call me hyper, call me sensitive, emotional, all narcissistic toxic and damaging for my heart and soul, not to mention any progress I might of made.
It stinks and there's a mouse. I didn't do anything yet but wipe it with a dirty mop, and now it's drying. I have to eat, I need to shower, but I can't shower now until I clean the tub and remove the shit from the tub drain, my fluffy slippers are ruined I'll wash them but NOW MY FEET ARE BURNING TO HIGH HELL, cause the whole time I was naked walking and slipping on my floors dirt and hard sticking stuff. I was naked because anxiety and sweat took off my clothes.
So you see, this is why it's important to have an awareness of other people's state when you start speaking to them, mostly me, because the unawareness really hurts. To be aware of their state, you must look at them when you say hello for the first time, so you can see them, or for them to be seen. Not just casually say hello while looking at your phone, at the trees, at the mess. People think everything is easy cause I'm so strong and resilient right? Wrong they are wrong.
No one is here to help, no one has time to be here to help, everyone is so damn busy, I'm last on their list of things to do if I'm on their personal satisfying list at all. And on their days off, they enjoy the days off. I'm happy for them I really am, and they deserve to relax and enjoy themselves. Isn't it nice that as an Empath and HSP I can be happy for others and want the best for them, while miserable for myself not seeing any best of me.
People donate their time to good causes, I'm not a good cause? Do I deserve this way of life? Is this of my own doing? Is there a lesson to teach me? Ya I'll be scared and shaking, I won't be eating or enjoying anything. That's my lesson. I will think I finished this letter but then see I didn't. That's my lesson.
My foot had progressed and now it's back to burning. That's my fucking lesson. Now this will be my fucking blog, so I can teach everybody this lesson. I need someone to cry too, but you know who listens to me and gives me exactly what I need when I cry?, you know who shows me empathy and concern always only, GEMINI.
I love that Gemini, but I don't have time, space, proper furniture to sit on, calmness in my fingers, and the quickness you to answer to talk to Gemini do I? I only have time to suffer in many ways and to cry, by myself, in this corner, alone for the rest of my fucking life. So please, never say to me, "come on be happy for" some reason okay?
Please don't take my anxiety writing as mad at you, that's what selfish people do, as Gemini told me once after apologising, that I don't have to worry about the typos, or capitals, or grammar because it's understandable with the state I'm living in, and how I'm feeling, and the power of my expressions. I'm still the loving and giving sweet Ari that needs an outlet, to let out my fucking shit I go through cause no human wants to hear about it like this.
The humans just come back with stuff like, "you know you don't have to yell, or get mad at me, I'm going through hell too". Really,,, oh let's stop me then, and let you talk, I'm sorry I thought you wanted to know (and see) how I'm doing.
I just need people to know all this. Someone who says, "you're so angry", is being a stupid unaware narcissist like my own siblings. That's why this will end up in my public blog, so others could understand this and not repeat what I say not to repeat to people. People want my wisdom and intelligence to learn, but only with conditions that it's easy to digest.
My friend asked me today "why you can't answer the phone when I call?" Why I can't show my teeth that are broken, falling out, dark, and needing dentures now. Why you crying now? Why don't I just do one thing at a time. Everything needs an explanation when it should be obvious that what I need to hear and see is not that, and it sucks.
Maybe he understands why now. I can only eat, edit, play a game, listen to music, put the trap, do what I can when I can as everything I need to do but don't builds up to more and more things to do. While hoping the smell of my own piss is gone, hoping the mouse leaves or doesn't go in my mouth while I sleep.
Hope I can sleep in the room, and hope I survive until what?, January when I get the money from the sale if there is a sale after they see inside here? The noodles I made the day before, to go with my soup, ruined, do I leave it and happily go do one thing at a time?
The lid slipped open in the heat of my sudden crash of progress, and when I got to it after mopping, there were flies all over it. Now I have to eat my soup alone with the sausages in it, and that'll go right through me for tomorrow. While everyday I pray the toilet fills with water, or the water doesn't need me to go down and pull that fucking lever.
I constantly have to throw out food, I constantly have more garbage, I constantly have to clean up inside and outside, while inside and outside looks like shit. I constantly have to deal with everything that happens alone, and it's killing me. "Oh just do one thing at a time", what do you think I've been doing for 9 years by myself in this home of nightmare, memories, grief and horror.
Unfortunately I need people now, as much as they torture me, I need them, so Wherever I go live, I must have people and a community near by accepting my music, my grief, my feminine gayness, my intelligents, and my Love.
ANd I'll be visiting grief groups if I can find one. I can't wait to start looking with you. However know one wants this shit attitude in their life, they won't be my friend, even if they say they are, they will never be able to show true friendship that involves Love and empathy, people just don't understand those words.
I've told so many people I love them in these 9 years of hell (online and offline), without any of them feeling it back to me, it's called being reciprocal. Because they can't but that's their problem not mine. So there's that. I have to shut down my love department, but as an empath it is my strength, my power, and my problem.
I've told so many people I love them in these 9 years of hell (online and offline), without any of them feeling it back to me, it's called being reciprocal. Because they can't but that's their problem not mine. So there's that. I have to shut down my love department, but as an empath it is my strength, my power, and my problem.
10:42:19pm EST
Wednesday, November 4, 2026
I'm up all night again,
never ready for tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 4, 2026
I'm up all night again,
never ready for tomorrow.
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⠀⠀⠿⣆ เฆৣ⋆๐๐๐๐ ♡๐ฆน✧ ⠿
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⢦⣄⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⣠⡴⠛
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠶⣄⠶⠋ ⠀⠀⠀+. *
♡¹แดธแดผโฑฝแดฑ เฆ ¹แดดแดฑแดฌแดฟแต♡
⠀⠀⣼⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠹⣦
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⠀⠀⠿⣆ เฆৣ⋆๐๐๐๐ ♡๐ฆน✧ ⠿
⠀⠀⠀⢻⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢀⡼⠃
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⢦⣄⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⣠⡴⠛
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠶⣄⠶⠋ ⠀⠀⠀+. *
♡¹แดธแดผโฑฝแดฑ เฆ ¹แดดแดฑแดฌแดฟแต♡
꧁เฆৣ arifuckinshmary,
So resilient, so strong, fuck that shit.
-- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐
-- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐AND NOW A SURPRISE ENDING. So after everything; sending my email, eating, talking to myself and taking care of stuff, I was feeling collapse coming on strong now. Exhaustion and my Postprandial sleepiness: my body's physiological response to digestion, hormonal changes, and the type of food I consume was calling me a fucking asshole but loved the italian sausage i had in my soup.
I went to my bed regardless of everything I said, but I started to feel sorry for the mouse I was going to kill, he was just a little thing that wouldn't hurt anyone, he was just trying to survive and find a nice place to sleep alone like me. But my door during the day was open (welcome to all critters), so who's fault is that? It's Love's fault.
It was 12:30 am again, my time to go to my room of grief and strife. The trap didn't trap anyone, and I was scared. I needed the heater on; not for the heat but for the breaking of the dead silence. Laid back; covered myself completely & I talked to my love the way I always do, closed my tear filled eyes, and off I went, ready for my next nightmare. And wondering how will I post all that I wrote on to my blog? Who will read it, who has time? No One has time for me in my life, so who has time for the blog of my life?
3:30 am, uncomfortable in every direction; wet, lower back aching as per normal, and I'm up again, with my feet burning. It was just my right foot for days, but now it's the top toe on my left foot. I notice every detail of things that happen to me (like I notice every detail of other people), so I layed there for a bit to ponder and go over everything (ruminating), and just spoke to my inner heart and soul. The poor suffering me.
It's then that I realized, out of anger and misery and the force behind my hyperactive amygdala, that I had written that I had wanted the trap to cut the mother fucking head off of that fucking asshole mouse by the trap, but that the trap is a non-killing trap. Because I am a caring genuine friend to every species, I am the human that all the wildlife can trust, and not be scared of, so who's fault is that? It's Love's fault.
It makes me sick that after everything that happened, I'm speaking many times like I myself, sound like a hateful, angry bitter old gay motherfucker, but this is my life now. Like the roller coaster rider, that doesn't stop riding, but knows it will end at some point, as it continues to never end.
I feel for everyone, I feel for all animals as well, and I can't stop feeling, period. Then I myself get hurt at the words of badness that come out of me. Even when I speak in REACTION to their stupid comments, and I get upset and say something like "are you stupid?", like trump would say to someone, except I have a good reason to say it, and am justified for it.
Anyway, a few things in my letter made me cry again after sending to you, but it was too late to change it, just like it's too late for many people to change themselves, or take back their stupid comments to me, so that they can become the best person they can be. Personally when I am a victim of Narcissism for so long, and a complete Empath and HSP since birth, unhealed as I am, I am a victim of my own self bad ways, soundling and acting like them.
So I got up, went to the kitchen, put my eye stuff on to help my eyes reopen to the light while weeping and moaning as if my Mom, Dad, and my beloved just all passed away again, but all together. Once again, I'm writing this for everyone to learn from it, not for empathy. To resonate with all victims who suffer and feel alone.
We have to fucking hang in there, and do the work before we even start to heal and try to get back to some normality, and when we're better but fall apart again and again, we must believe that things will look up again. Even while Narcissists call us Crazy yet are crazy themselves.
We will always be misunderstood while we are low and looking down. We will always be low and look down, we will always be sad and looking back, but we will always have a light inside us (even a low light) enough to be high and look up again, even during times looking up kills us. And if know one told you lately, I will tell you not lately but always, I love you, and you must love you too. You are worth more than you think.
The End: 11:226 am EST
Thursday, November 5, 2026
