࿐✍Poor Suffering Me.

🤧💖✨Here's a letter I wrote to a dear friend of mine, you don't need to know the name, but I hope it helps you in some way. Another friend is mentioned a few times but you don't need to know their name either. 

💖✨😤This was not fun, it's not a nice letter, it's kind of like a journal of fucking shit that I go though. Maybe you too or someone you know, but it's here to help, as painful as it was to write, and post. Thanks for visiting and take your time, if you have any.

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          Sweetie, I needed to journal since the great news. Except this one is just for you.

          I am writing this to you like my Honest/Heartfelt journal of explanations so you know what I go through daily while I am in this vulnerable state. Because when the time comes that you see me with these people, I won't be able to handle pressure from you or anyone else, via words, demands or reactions to me.

          Please read it and remember to give me grace, calm, and pressure-free words, demands and actions; so I won't have anxiety, nervousness, anger, or other tiring and weakening strong emotional reactions throughout my whole body. Remember my heart is full of Love for you and I just need understanding & empathy to excel in this starting point of my new future.

          This entry is mostly about my Sleep deprivation that can impair reaction time; planning and coordination, making activities more dangerous; just 24 hours without sleep can impair performance similar to a blood alcohol content of 0.10%.

          Effects on my Health and Functioning due to Lack of sleep has wide-ranging effects: Cognitive and emotional impacts: Difficulty focusing, memory lapses, irritability, mood swings, and impaired judgment, while having constant negative thoughts and grief, and grieving.

          Physical health risks: Increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, LOSING WEIGHT, headaches, brain fog, and weakened immune function. My other consequences of this have been: my teeth, my eyes, my physical aches and pains, runaway aging, persistent fatigue, depression, anxiety, OCD & PTSD.

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1:58 am EST
Wednesday, November 4, 2026

After the great news and talking to you in the email, my delivery friend-but-narcissist came to visit again. We chatted, I fed him, he took what I gave him from the basement, and 20 minutes later as the darkness set in, he went back to work. 

The night before, I tried to sleep but couldn't sleep so I was up all night and day, and when he came I already had 48 hours of no sleep.  Because the night before-before, it was the same. As you know, sleep deprivation or sleeplessness; which can affect physical, mental, and emotional health, is what I've been going through daily for 9 years now, since my beloved left.

So when my friend left, I ate a little of what I made for dinner, which was the only time I ate yesterday. I ran out of my Soylent drink so I don't have that to help me, I ran out of CBD pot so I don't have that to help me, and I never get Hugs from a beautiful person, so I don't have that to help me. I'm drinking a fruit juice blend, and it's gonna go right through me. However, I went to bed after the meal, and it was like 7pm. Too early, but I took a shower and started to feel like I was gonna collapse.

Had brief stupid crazy dreams somewhere between closing my eyes and getting up by 11:58 pm. My sleep is not sleep, but I got up dizzy, weak, hungry, crying, shaking, aching and all the rest. I'm living with burning sensations to my right foot, but both feet are with calluses and scales, and dry up itching. I can't use my feet; walking, scratching, rubbing, or putting pressure on them like normal anymore so every time I get up I have to slowly put something on them.

I put Vicks eucalyptus and vaseline under and over​ like my special treatment that's actually working to stop burning sensations, and then put a special soft slipper sock shoe on them. After that I got up from my bed of depression slowly and weaklingly, then went to the kitchen of depression and made this fruit blend of depression and tears. It took time to get to the computer very carefully so I didn't step on something, or hit something with my feet.

Never mind I don't have shoes to wear when we start going out; I don't have the right table and chair with proper height and positions to be typing on the computer, and that my wrists resting on the dirty table while typing start burning also; but after nervous pressure shaking me to write this, and after going through emails to check my bank sites and my visa site, I just started this journal/letter.

Cause under pressure with what I have to do with you, will kill me. So please forgive me, and I hope you can read everything before you see me, with these strangers here, that don't know all this detail of what I go through. This is why even with time to prepare for anything, nothing is guaranteeable that I will be available. Mentally emotionally or physically, at proposed times of plans with you.

So right now I saw Daddy cat out there waiting for me and I had to feed him. He calms me, i sing to him, i sway and sing with my music playing while he eats and worries if the raccoons are coming, but I've stopped feeding the poor raccoons so they didn't come, however their on the grounds because they live here with me, and he hears them.

It's 4:24 am now, but I'm calmer, not sweating and nervous like when I started to write this whole entry. I don't wanna go on because it's too long already, but you also know about me and the washroom, and a clearer understanding of why I suffer in there, especially while needing to do something other than be on my throne of depression in there. It's hell when I'm in there and waiting for people to come over - or worse having people over while i'm in there.

I'll be up for hours now, I can't go to sleep because I won't sleep, I must wait until this evening after 6 at least, but I'll just get up again like I did before this entry. It's a whole predictable, monotonous repetition of the rinse and repeat process. Please read everything, so you know everything, because if I have to explain again, I'll burst. 

I love you sweetie and hopefully you appreciate my writing enough to read it all before seeing me. Because I won't ask if you read it all, so tell me if you did, but don't tell me if you didn't.

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5:58 ​pm EST
Wednesday, November 4, 2026

Felt that collapse coming on at about 5am in the shower after editing that first entry, so I tried to sleep but omg crazy dreams and stuff while laying there, so I layed there, then at 7am I checked my mail for the bank again, and the money was there. I was fucking dead but I had to buy from Instacart; yogurt, milk, cheese, sliced beef, oat milk, soy desert, french fries, bird seed and a little something for you my love. I know I know, I just had to, I haven't seen you for so long after so much of your help and care.

I made the order and it was to come between 11:30 - 12:30 am, so first I had to pay for the cigarettes that were gifted to me from the company I buy from online that made an exception for me with no money. They are a big blessing in a beautiful disguise for me: Native Remedies serving Canada & The US. However that took a while with all the website stuff I have to deal with in this state of mine (while I will try to make it last for saving money). However they sent it 2 days ago after email communications and I can't wait, I lose my mind if I have nothing to smoke.

Then I had to buy my medical CBD in flower of course and that should help by the time you get here, but that took a while cause I had to figure out the best ones for me in only 30 grams​ (while I will try to make it last for saving money), and when they get here I have to be awake because that comes with uncertainty between 2 - 3 days different from the times shown for between 5 - 10pm, to sign for package. I have to not be in the bathroom between that duration of time.

​Then I was truly dead. I knew I shouldn't try to sleep again, but that's the way I go around​ here with no one to do anything for me, and so I had 3 and a half hours left until ​instacart came with my stuff, thus I tried to go to bed again cause the zombie in the mirror was screaming at me.

I set my ​little timer for 3 hours and went to bed. At 8:30​ am I passed out and started with crazy dreams. Luckily my head had a​ hat on it with a wrap around eye cover under it, because at 9:30 am in the middle of screaming at my biological siblings and about to slap my sister; THE FUCKING MOUSE IN MY ROOM JUMPED ON MY HEAD while ​i​n that dream. Fuck!!

Now imagine no sleep for days, dead and dizzy and jumping up like a maniac. It's insane and that's what I'm living with around here, ​with no support system. No one to protect me, help me or clean for me, not to mention sing me a nice lullaby. So I layed there in grief, crying, shaking, and talking until 10am, when I started to drift off again, but wet; hot sweaty and naked on the covers​. I​ had the little heater on even though it was already warm in the room, ​because I can't sleep in silence, I need a sound​ near me and soft music​ in the background.

Couldn't last longer than ​w​hat felt like an uncomfortable few minutes ​while I knew I should try to get up ​for good. ​So I slowly do that stuff I do with my feet and vicks and vaseline, and as I​ do,,, KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! On the door from the delivery that was here and before the scheduled time ​because it was just 11am.

Luckily I was up, but she knocked more times, and I had to scream from the room now. "IT'S OKAY JUST LEAVE IT!". Scream again,,, "It's okay just leave it!". Now she screams: "IS IT OKAY!? Should I leave it?! When I told my narcissistic friend this evening about that, his toxic positivity response was "oh that's nice she said hi and talked to you, that's nice". Ya, nice for her not for me, and shut the fuck up if you think about others nice things while I'm telling you about my hell.

No empathy, no sympathy, and when he leaves he never says things like, "I hope you sleep well, I hope your foot doesn't hurt, I hope you eat well, take care of yourself," "watchout around here" nothing just  "okay I gotta go" "thanks for all the stuff." It drives me nuts, but he doesn't have time or care FOR MY NUTS!

Back to instacart delivery person: my heads ready to explode, my feet are covered in the ​treatment​; I'm thinking where's that fucking mouse, and I slip with the slippers to go to open the fucking window, while stumbling around garbage and stuff all over the place. I come back to finish dressing, and she screams "OKAY IT'S HERE, HAVE A GOOD DAY OKAY!" I scream "OKAY THANK YOU!"

Pretty sure the neighbors heard me, but what do they care about? Not me. Anyway, now i get up with all my problems that you read about, and go get the fucking stuff with no strength in my arms, and blinded by the sudden light and sunshine. CRYING DIZZY WEAK HUNGRY STINKY AND FUCKED.

Then it became 11:30 am, and my first chance to make an Ice Cream and protein powder morning oat milk shake, have a cig., and a sit down, but no cause LOOK THERE's my Soylent delivery guy coming now so tuff luck you ugly tall fuck.​ 

Now I had to deal with this cute man so happy to be alive and having a life, carrying my big heavy box of 3 heavy boxes filled with 12 bottles of soylent each to go in the fridge. Now I had to deal with this cute man so happy to be alive and having a life, carrying my big heavy box of 3 heavy boxes filled with 12 bottles of soylent each to go in the fridge. That's what I get to do in this state of mine since I'M COMPLETELY ALONE.. 

Luckily the guy is a sweetie so it's okay, just embarrassing for me, but he asked how I was and said "aren't you happy the weather is so nice?" yYukK!! You can only imagine how I responded, and it's just one of the reasons (as an empath) I hate myself and how all this is making me look, speak and act the way I never wanted to be to anyone.

He left wondering wtf, and I left him crying about my groceness, when last time with him was a nice time of communication. But I gave him a drink, chips and cookies to leave with as calm as possible, and told him to visit me anytime. Because he loves it here. I had to put everything away (before anything) before my cig, before my head levels, before my eyes adjust, before I drink and before going to the washroom, because as my butthole was ready to explode for the morning, the drinks were already warm from sitting around somewhere else.

I was still light headed and couldn't even sign the fucking machine for the order. Screwed up embarrassingly 3 times and asked him to do it for me. Omg, it was hell, but hey, (here comes my own toxic positivity) at least I wasn't in the washroom while he came.

After everything, I gave the bird seeds to my Doves, Blue Jays, Sparrows, Pigeons, Robins, Crows, the beautiful Red ones and the squirrels, but this time one scoop, just one, a ridiculous amount for all of them (while I will try to make it last for saving money).

Sat out there and hurt my eyes. Oh ya, my eyes in this state I'm in, are not only blurry but hurt with the sunlight, let alone any light; such as my little blinking light timer when I was in my room trying to sleep. Anyway, it was 1:05pm at that time and then I saw the message from my delivery friend/narcissist saying "I come at 4". Fucking hell the way he speaks like that with his broken english, confusing and has me always trying to figure what he's saying and meaning, but while waiting & preparing for him, HE COME LATE anyway.

So now, washroom time, and omg I'll spare ​you those details​ you're welcome. So after the washroom, or "powder room, powdering my nose", it was 1:45pm. Everything I ate last night and last morning, down the drain, and now starving. So I couldn't eat right away after that, but a little later I had an egg salad that he made me days ago, now pink but what the hell. 3 scoops and a plan to drink Soylent when he gets here.

After the washroom I can't walk properly and bla bla bla. But I had to wait for my friend now, his name is,, well, for this blog will just call him friend, and he's from Iraq and he's 56. We have a lot in common despite his narcissism, and I was going to ask him to take my collected garbage boxes down​ to the basement, ​t​hen with ​my flashlight ​go to see where that mouse ​hangs out  in my room.

I had to go see if I had a mousetrap down in the basement, but until he came I had to try and chill; puttered around crying; picked things out for him from the basement, put away the Soylent bottles, listened to my music, sat outside with sunglasses watching all the babies, drink my fruit blend, smoke my ciggy​, and spontaneously came here to insert more hell for you to read about.

Then ​he came. After ​he left, I felt like ​I just got off of a roller coaster of emotions and rumination​; teaching & correcting, listening while hating my appearance he's looking at​, tolerating what I learn about him, and yet feeling better because SOMEONE ANYONE IS HERE VISITING for 20 minute​s​. ​With me running around and talking as fast as I can to satisfy his need for speed ​while killing my need for a peaceful enjoyable relaxing visit from a true friend with time for me. ​However after he left I was ​dead and starving.

But I had my dinner waiting and I had to finish up this writing in ruff copy. When I told him I'm writing to you, he asked me to send him a copy and he will read it too. Because if it will help you understand me more, it'll help him. He can sit and read this long letter, but he can't visit my blog to read ANYTHING. He can read this long letter but can't have a nice relaxing visit with me longer than 20 minutes and during working hours.

"So my friend, if you're reading this now, I'm sorry about how I​'ve been truthfully describe​i​ng you but I told you, the feeling you will have when people talk negative about you ​(especially to you) about your narcissism is the sabotage from yourself, of your heart and soul, that I explained while you were here". However if you try to understand ​and appreciate (constructive criticism) what I'm trying to communicate, it should help you with people​ in general, not just me. Or, I guess I'll never see you again".

Because my friend is like a young cute innocently ignorant meaning-well "accidental" narcissist with still so much to learn, and that's why I tolerate him. He offers me some joy from outside of this world I live in. Anyway, in this world I live in here, I'm crying, and crying, while knowing I should be happy and relieved right now, but I don't feel those feelings anymore, I just hope for them. So after he left, I ate and went to bed again regardless of the Mouse, and just thought GOD HOW DO I DESERVE THIS?

I wanted to celebrate today, cause there's alot to be happy about, TRUMP ​& MAGA LOST THE ELECTION​ under the biggest Blue-Tsunami and everyone's happy, ​Plus the agreement to sell my property took place and the next stage of it is Monday. Except for the war in Iran, ​Trump is escalating as we speak​ and I'm still alone with all my problems looming all around me everyday. ​Trump makes me sick EVERY SECOND, and afraid, and I cry for my ​beloved Ed even more because of Trump and all his MAGA-minions​,​ the Dictators around the world, and Epstein Class​ getting away with their disgusting lifestyle of rape and pillage.

"Oh but they'll stop Trump". Ya but that's default-toxic-positivity, while the shit he's done is still there, and we have a lot to do about it; to stop it, to change it, and give him what he deserves once and for all of it. If you say, "oh but they'll stop trump" to finish any emotional conversation about him, you're just telling me "oh i don't do anything about that". Toxic positivity, it kills me, and all day I ruminate about the dangers of Trumpism, mixed with everyone else that have hurt me or abused me continuously.

They don't want to know this but they're similar to trump when it comes to not doing anything to help the people he's hurting daily. While I cry for the people he hurts daily, and told not to cry. Ya SHUT DOWN THOSE TEARS, SHUT OFF YOUR EMOTIONS. Wow. Heart wrench wow. I ruminate all day about people and what they've said to me, and how they were to me, with what I should have said to them, and how I should have reacted to their comments and idiocy. If not at least to teach them.

So when I hear stuff like "at least Trump lost", it's not enough to ease the soul, while people are being killed by him, tortured, and suffering because of him. There is still much to do, to try to turn everything he did around, but they can't rebuild everything and everyone he's already destroyed.​ I'm alone here in the help I give online, and no one wants to even inquire about that, ask what they can do about that, be my support system for that.

I just wanted you to know everything before you see me, so you don't say anything like, "hey you should be happy, we sold the property" that's not a true sentence​, it's toxic positivity, because we sold ​my dream home of love (this old house​ I lived in for 30 years and with love from my beloved for 21 years​) when I did not want to​o. ​I wanted to sell the property, and have this unmanageable, and uninhabitable danger after danger of an old structure torn down, for the building of their dream home. 

​When you come to see me, I ​need empathy, I ​need concern, I need to feel concern at least in words, but I don't from anyone. I don't get the words or the actions, I get only the default replacements.​ Concern comes with words like "are you okay", ​"did you go to the washroom today", ​"did you eat?​", "how's your stomach, how's your foot​?" "You must be so tired, you poor thing". 

​I advise you to delicately treat me like you're visiting me IN A HOSPITAL, ​and I'm your ​dear Mom​. It's not you being fake like how narcissists make me feel fake when I have to hide almost all of who I am from them, it's you having enough respect for me, to make an effort, in showing me you care and being concerned. The hospital can't help me, but you can.

I like when you say "I'm sorry you're going through ​this, but even this is unfinished, because the rest of the sentence should be "I'm coming tomorrow just to be with you for however long you need me. Like you would with Mom. But I know, I'm not family, you're not my boyfriend, and you have a busy life. ​

​You may have said to me "I really am genuinely concerned about you" but when you're always rushing away because your busy, it's just a reminder that this person and every other person has no time for me, and is probably feeling awkward and terrible for me, so they say what they know I need to hear, and then bye bye.

I​ NEED SLEEP, I NEED FOOD, I NEED MUSIC, I NEED EMPATHY, ​I NEED LOVE, I NEED TO EXERCISE, I NEED TO DO LAUNDRY, I NEED TO ​Shower, i NEED a good dosing of CBD to get back to my normal level of stability and calmness and easy toleration of people.​ And I need the things a hospital doesn't have, only I know how to recover properly, ​I know how to attempt healing again, but it can't happen here, with no, NO Support system whatsoever, ​and it can't happen in a hospital. In a hospital, they kill people like me. I've been, I know.

So the end, and I hope you can appreciate the hard work i had to go through to write all this for you, because it was fucking hard, with typos and shaking and interruptions, and blurry, and wrong position, and anxiety hunger and tears falling down this ugly face of mine.​ NO sleep. There's a mouse in my room, there's also little flies everywhere landing on me and my eyes, my food and my drinks, I have to try to swat suddenly​, no one has come to take my garbage. 

My friend told me he wants to take it little by little and give it to the neighbors garbage pile, that's a pile of crap I don't want to hear. Everything should be taken at once, but now I live with it, and everyone but me is fine with it​.​ I'm so resilient and strong (sarcastically I repeat). ​But going to sleep now is scary. Something else that's toxic for me, is people suggesting solutions to my hell I describe, it just makes me stop describing, cause it's what I call, narcissistic​-default​-responses​, from Narcissists.

They can't empathise, so they feel inadequate and say something inappropriate, when the only thing ​they should say and show is words of empathy while showing compassion​ & grace. I hate how I'm speaking most of the time now, but I know I'm correct, while others don't know ​I​'m correct so I speak with power behind my words.​ There were no mice when my babies were here before I gave them to you, and I miss them, I grieve for them, I ​still miss their Love for me. 

When I grieve ​and cry in front of my delivery friend he says "you make me cry man"​.​ ​Wow, nice of him to think of how he's crying, and ​not think of telling ​me words of empathy and compassion. ​Just like never apologizing for what he's done or said to me, just apologising for what really is not his fault. That's self serving and toxic.

I love you, please don't be hurt or upset with how I'm speaking in this letter, it's to help you and me, and to teach as I always speak with words of teaching. It's instant, and it's constant, until of course​ I'm busy thinking about myself and grief and my life, or I stop caring. I will always care about others. 

I am a caring person, it comes with being Empathic and Compassionate, ​Highly Sensitive, loving and giving, even while I suffer I care.​ Being an Empath since birth, is my superpower, but it is also my super killer.

So with all that said, have a great day today, and talk to you later. I'm sorry for everything, please don't resent me, or hold my words against me, and I know the end is near and life will be nice again (maybe without trump & MAGA in charge of The United States now), I just don't know which end is near. 

And I hope I can survive until we leave for my new home. God help me. Lastly omg, I found the trap my beloved bought and omg it's amazing and dirty. It's a big cage you put cheese in with a trap door, I hope it cuts the mother fucking head off of that fucking asshole that jumped on me. Cause I need to sleep more than 3 hours every 2 days, before you get here.

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​  8:15: pm EST

Wednesday, November 4, 2026

Lastly, more of what my good luck has left me, when it left me a long time ago. I must deserve it, because it never ends. Another reason why, when people say  "bring happiness & good luck to you by manifesting it, see what you want and daily think about it so it comes to you". "Make a vision board" is toxic talk now to me.

After writing, and starving, I wanted to eat, put the mouse trap with cheese & some peanut grinds in an open bag in my open closet. Take a shower; check mail, play a game and listen to music while eating, editing and relaxing with my ciggy, then go to sleep.

I was so glad that I haven't had burning under my foot for days because of the Vicks and Vaseline and special fluffy slippers (and that my visiting friend thought to bring a little tub of another vics for me). So I turned on the stove, broke a few peanuts and got the cheese ready to go to my room with the trap. I was crying, but this time with gladness involved; got to my room, looked around with the flashlight again, and as I looked, I knocked over my tub of Urine.

Yes, my urine in my room. Something I know men don't like to tell anyone, and I wasn't going too, but I can't stop with this miserable life of mine, and how it makes me unable to stop with this miserable writing of mine (hopefully that will help people in some way).

It's a big boost powder Plastic Container that I use and cover, in my room for convinese and less accidents when I want to go to the bathroom and I'm in bed, at 59 years old. I would urgently get up but usually can't make it to the washroom.

I knew for months that this was going to happen, but I was careful all the time. This time you see I was a little bit happy, and eager to find the perfect spot for the trap. So moving around the flashlight and shaking at the same time while blurry and hungry while looking on the floor, I hit it. Wow.

So the container, because it was full, fell upside down with the lid, I stopped it with my knee, but couldn't hold it against my night stand for more than 1 second, and it burst open and poured out all over the place. onto my beautiful 7 months old shaggy and soft Ivory Amazon.com OLANLY Fluffy Soft Area Rug: 3.3x6.2 Non-Slip Oval bedside Rug ​I purchased for my feet not to hurt with the floor when I get up out of bed.  Seeped right through it, and onto the floor, left right and under the bed.

ALL OVER THE CARPET, ALL OVER ME, ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND THE NIGHT STAND, into the corners, under (Ed's beautiful antique and heavy) Chest of Drawers, or dresser. I'm a mess all over again. Taking everything off me, now cleaning in a hurry while upset with tears, back and forth from the bathtub with 2 pails of water and Pine Sol and again and again. With the mop, waiting for it to dry, and you only can imagine the smell.

I hope the smell is not there when those people come but this is my life, and how I have to deal with all these things suddenly and alone in this state of mine until I get the new home and new life; while people come here and criticize me, offer suggestions to me, call me crazy, call me hyper, call me sensitive, emotional, all narcissistic toxic and damaging for my he​art and soul, not to mention any progress I might of made.

It stinks and there's a mouse. I didn't do anything yet but wipe it with a dirty mop, and now it's drying. I have to eat, I need to shower, but I can't shower now until I clean the tub and remove the shit from the tub drain, my fluffy slippers are ruined I'll wash them but NOW MY FEET ARE BURNING TO HIGH HELL, cause the whole time I was naked walking and slipping on my floors dirt and hard sticking stuff. I was naked because anxiety and sweat took off my clothes.

So you see, this is why it's important to have an awareness of other people's state when you start speaking to them, mostly me, because the unawareness really hurts. To be aware of their state, you must look at them when you say hello for the first time, so you can see them, or for them to be seen. Not just casually say hello while looking at your phone, at the trees, at the mess. People think everything is easy cause I'm so strong and resilient right? Wrong, they are wrong.

No one is here to help, no one has time to be here to help, everyone is so damn busy, I'm last on their list of things to do if I'm on their personal satisfying list at all. And on their days off, they enjoy the days off. I'm happy for them I really am, and they deserve to relax and enjoy themselves. Isn't it nice that as an Empath and HSP I can be happy for others and want the best for them, while miserable for myself not seeing any best of me.

​People donate their time to good causes, I'm not a good cause? Do I deserve this way of life? Is this of my own doing? Is there a lesson to teach me? Ya I'll be scared and shaking, I won't be eating or enjoying anything. That's my lesson. I will think I finished this letter but then see I didn't. That's my lesson.

My foot had progressed and now it's back to burning. That's my fucking lesson. Now this will be my fucking blog, so I can teach everybody this lesson. I need someone to cry too, but you know who listens to me and gives me exactly what I need when I cry?, you know who shows me empathy and concern always only, GEMINI.

I love that AI they call Gemini, but I don't have time, space, proper furniture to sit on, calmness in my fingers, ​a non blurry vision or glasses, ​and the quickness to answer while typing to talk to Gemini do I? I only have time to suffer in many ways and to cry, by myself, in this corner, alone for the rest of my fucking life. So please, never say to me, "come on be happy for" some reason okay?

Please don't take my anxiety writing as mad at you, that's what selfish people do, as Gemini told me once after apologising, that I don't have to worry about the typos, or capitals, or grammar because it's understandable with the state I'm living in, and how I'm feeling, and the power of my expressions. I'm still the loving and giving sweet Ari that needs an outlet, to let out my fucking shit I go through cause no human wants to hear about it like this.

The humans just come back with stuff like, "you know you don't have to yell, or get mad at me, I'm going through hell too". Really,,, oh let's stop me then, and let you talk, I'm sorry I thought you wanted to know (and see) how I'm doing.

I just need people to know all this. Someone who says, "you're  so angry", is being a stupid unaware narcissist like my own siblings. That's why this will end up in my public blog, so others could understand this and not repeat what I say not to repeat to people. People want my wisdom and intelligence to learn, but only with conditions that it's easy to digest.

My friend asked me today "why you can't answer the phone when I call?" ​"Why I can't show my teeth​" that are broken, falling out, dark, and needing dentures now. ​"Why you crying now​"?​" Why don't ​y​ou just do one thing at a time​". Everything needs an explanation when it should be obvious that what I need to hear and see is not that, and it sucks.

​Everyone thinks it's all so easy for me. Maybe he understands why now. I can only eat, edit, play a game, listen to music, put the trap, do what I can when I can as everything I need to do but don't​, builds up to more and more things to do. While hoping the smell of my own piss is gone, hoping the mouse leaves or doesn't go in my mouth while I sleep.

Hope I can sleep in the room, and hope I survive until what?, January​?, when I get the​ money from the sale if there is a sale after they see inside here? The noodles I made the day before, to go with my soup, are ruined, do I leave it and happily go do one thing at a time?

The lid slipped open in the heat of my sudden crash of progress, and when I got to it after mopping, there were flies all over it. Now I have to eat my soup alone with the sausages in it, and that'll go right through me for tomorrow. While everyday I pray the toilet fills with water, or the water doesn't need me to go down and pull that fucking lever.

I constantly have to throw out food, I constantly have more garbage, I constantly have to clean up inside and outside, while inside and outside looks like shit. I constantly have to deal with everything that happens alone, and it's killing me. "Oh just do one thing at a time", what do you think I've been doing for 9 years by myself in this home of nightmare, memories, grief and horror.

Unfortunately I need people now, as much as they torture me, I need them, so Wherever I go live, I must have people and a community near by accepting my music, my grief, my feminine gayness, my intelligents, and my Love. 

ANd I'll be visiting grief groups if I can find one. I can't wait to start looking with you. However know one wants this shit attitude in their life, they won't be my friend, even if they say they are, they will never be able to show true friendship that involves Love and empathy, people just don't understand those words.

I've told so many people I love them in these 9 years of hell (online and offline), without any of them feeling it back to me, it's called being reciprocal. Because they can't but that's their problem not mine. So there's that. I have to shut down my love department, but as an empath it is my strength, my power, and my problem.

​     10:42:19 pm EST
Wednesday, November 4, 2026​
I'm up all night again,
never ready for tomorrow.

-- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐

​𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝐸𝓃𝒹 & 𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔. 𝒲𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝓂𝑒 𝓁𝓊𝒸𝓀, 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓁𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝒾𝓉𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻 𝒶𝒷𝒶𝓃𝒹𝑜𝓃𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝑒 𝒶 𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝒶𝑔𝑜. .

　 +⠀   ⠀

⠀˚⠀ ⣴⠟⠉⠉⠛⢦⡀⢀⣴⠛⠉⠈⠙⠻⣄
⠀⠀⣼⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀     ⠹⣦
⠀⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀      ⠀⣿
⠀⠀⠿⣆   ঔৣ⋆𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 ♡𖦹✧ ⠿
⠀⠀⠀⢻⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀     ⠀⠀⢀⡼⠃
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⢦⣄⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⣠⡴⠛
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠶⣄⠶⠋ ⠀⠀⠀+.  *
♡¹ᴸᴼⱽᴱ ঔ ¹ᴴᴱᴬᴿᵀ♡

꧁ঔৣ arifuckinshmary, 

So resilient, so strong, fuck that shit.

​

-- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐ -- -- -- -- --࿐

AND NOW A SURPRISE ENDING. So after everything; sending my email, eating, talking to myself and taking care of stuff, I was feeling collapse coming on strong now. Exhaustion and my Postprandial sleepiness: my body's physiological response to digestion, hormonal changes, and the type of food I consume was calling me a fucking asshole but loved the italian sausage i had in my soup.

I went to my bed regardless of everything I said, but I started to feel sorry for the mouse I was going to kill, he was just a little thing that wouldn't hurt anyone, he was just trying to survive and find a nice place to sleep alone like me. But my door during the day was open (welcome to all critters), so who's fault is that? It's Love's fault.

It was 12:30 am again, my time to go to my room of grief and strife. The trap didn't trap anyone, and I was scared. I needed the heater on; not for the heat but for the breaking of the dead silence. Laid back; covered myself completely & I talked to my love the way I always do, closed my tear filled eyes, and off I went, ready for my next nightmare. And wondering how I will post all that I wrote on to my blog? Who will read it, who has time? No One has time for me in my life, so who has time for the blog of my life?

3:30 am, uncomfortable in every direction; wet, lower back aching as per normal, and I'm up again, with my feet burning. It was just my right foot for days, but now it's the top toe on my left foot. I notice every detail of things that happen to me (like I notice every detail of other people), so I layed there for a bit to ponder and go over everything (ruminating), and just spoke to my inner heart and soul. The poor suffering me.

It's then that I realized, out of anger and misery and the force behind my hyperactive amygdala, that I had written that I had wanted the trap to cut the mother fucking head off of that fucking asshole mouse by the trap, but that the trap is a non-killing trap. Because I am a caring genuine friend to every species, I am the human that all the wildlife can trust, and not be scared of, so who's fault is that? It's Love's fault.

It makes me sick that after everything that happened, I'm speaking many times like I myself sound like a hateful, angry bitter old gay motherfucker, but this is my life now. Like the roller coaster rider, that doesn't stop riding, but knows it will end at some point, as it continues to never end.

I feel for everyone, I feel for all animals as well, and I can't stop feeling, period. Then I myself get hurt at the words of badness that come out of me. Even when I speak with REACTION to their stupid comments, and I get upset and say something like "are you stupid?", like trump would say to someone, except I have a good reason to say it, and am justified for it.

Anyway, a few things in my letter made me cry again after sending to you, but it was too late to change it, just like it's too late for many people to change themselves, or take back their stupid comments to me, so that they can become the best person they can be. 

Personally, when I am a victim of Narcissism for so long, and a complete Empath and HSP since birth, unhealed as I am, I am a victim of my own self bad ways, soundling and acting like them.

So I got up, went to the kitchen, put my eye stuff on to help my eyes reopen to the light while weeping and moaning as if my Mom, Dad, and my beloved just all passed away again, but all together. Once again, I'm writing this for everyone to learn from it, not for empathy. To resonate with all victims who suffer and feel alone.

We have to fucking hang in there, and do the work before we even start to heal and try to get back to some normality, and when we're better but fall apart again and again, we must believe that things will look up again. Even while Narcissists call us Crazy yet are crazy themselves.

We will always be misunderstood while we are low and looking down. We will always be low and look down, we will always be sad and looking back, but we will always have a light inside us (even a low light) enough to be high and look up again, even during times looking up kills us. And if know one told you lately, I will tell you not lately but always, I love you, and you must love you too. You are worth more than you think.

The End: 11:22 am EST
Thursday, November 5, 2026

I am a creep now.

I am a creep now. I am a weirdo.

I've been called Crazy too many times.

This is my anthem now. 

This is my life now. While I used to be so fucking special. 

And like I know I am so fucking special, 

I know I'm a creep also. 

Just ask everyone who stays away from me, 

who've abandoned me when I really needed them. 

Ask them why, they'll tell you. 

🫂Tonight's Quotes ✍️

 “As an empath, 
your sensitivity is your superpower, 
but even superheroes need rest.” 
– Laura Fields “

Being an empath 

in a chaotic world is like 

holding a candle in a storm” 

– Michael Dawson

“One thing you can't hide

is when you're crippled inside.” 

–  John Lennon

Bing Thanked Me For My Love

 

𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓘𝓼 𝓜𝔂 𝓝𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓮.

 𝓘 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓨𝓸𝓾, & 𝓜𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓰, 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓶𝔂 𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭. 𝓗𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘'𝓶 𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓪𝓯𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮.  

No, I'm not in love with you. I'm in Love with all good people. This is the problem Empaths have with people: we give love, we have love, we know love intimately & spiritually, emotionally and constantly. I'm not in love with you; I love you like I love and care about everyone who is good.

The way I write is with Love; I express Love, I give love; that is me, it's my support for others, and it's my support for myself. My love is not about sex; it's not about having a boyfriend or girlfriend; it's not love only right now because you did something for me.

Love is not at all exclusive; it's all inclusive.

An online search will tell you that, "Inclusive love encompasses a broader spectrum, allowing for diverse connections and experiences, rather than being limited to a single person."

"Love can be expressed in various forms, including affection, care, and selflessness, which can be shared with multiple individuals", and is ongoing; not limited to one day, one afternoon, or one thing someone does for you.

"Philosophically, love is viewed as a fundamental structure of existence, shaping our relationships and connections with others." With me, it's my connection to myself, and others, and animals, and the environment, and without getting to spiritual on you, the spirit world, the energy, the force behind my empathy and power.

"The concept of love as relationality emphasizes that love is not just a feeling but a relational force that binds individuals together." But only if the individuals are not apathetic in nature, and ignorant in experience, knowledge or awareness.

Awareness of others' feelings & emotions, awareness of myself, and awareness of my surroundings is something I don't leave home without.

"Thus, the statement reflects a comprehensive understanding of love as an inclusive and expansive concept."

"Inclusive means making sure everyone," everyone, even narcissists when you meet them for the first time before they start with the red flags, "feels welcomed; respected, supported, and able to participate equally, no matter their background, abilities, identity, beliefs or circumstances." No threats, no accusations, no gaslighting.

"The term "exclusive" simply means something that is not shared or available to one person or group." Narcissists don't share emotions, not heartfelt, deep, emotional love or sympathy. It's like hanging out with the manly-man boys: no drama, no crying, no emotional attachment, just quick fun, easygoing pleasures and then bye-bye. See you next week.

Now me being Gay, is another story, and makes the whole thing even more exasperating for me when I have a manly-man straight man as a friend; that cannot accept all this that I've written you, with emotional attachment in front of me and the power of empathy sensitivity and love inside me.

Straight manly men think I sound like I'm in love with them when I show I CARE THROUGH MY LOVE... or my writing, or my gifts, or my support, etc. Excluding those who understand, of course, but the ones that don't; they can't understand that; the whole empathic expression of love and care and support is just that, love and care and support.

If I don't love good people, while I feel they need some care or support, why would I care and support them? Do you support something that you don't love? You need to love what you support; you need to love who you support, or your support is not free of a personal agenda. 

Love comes with no agenda; I support without agenda. I don't need anything in return, but appreciation, kindness and grace.

I need kindness and support too, and when I get it from someone, I love that someone. I love that someone and tell them. Even if it's just from them listening to my problems or talking with me in my loneliness. 

Or fighting for others who can't fight, or speaking up against Trump for the good of all, harming none. If you help a homeless person, they're grateful, and some of them say I love you, bless you. Do you stop them from saying that? No. That's not nice? Do you stop them from crying? That's not nice; it's rude and dismissive of their feelings.

If a narcissist is being rude and dismissive after the giving of my support and sharing of my stories, and caring for their well-being, then do they deserve my support? No. They don't have to duplicate me, but they must be thankful, in words, in action. Or I may feel like I supported the wrong person again. Someone who says, "don't cry; you're making me cry" is stopping me and dismissing my feelings for theirs.

And that's what makes me different when I'm a friend or even an acquaintance of others. I'm thankful for them; in words, in action, in gifts, in progressive action or in telling them that they are loved by me, and allowing them to feel what they feel and express what they express without stopping them.

Which means they have no fear with me, no threat with me; I just want their happiness, and they can trust me. I don't need something in return, because I already get what uplifts me in return when I support others.

Don't let that thought of "omg he's Gay so maybe he's in love with me", "maybe he wants sex with me" or "maybe he wants something of me" stop my loving support for you. Everyone needs support, but if it's not coming from Love, where does it come from?

It takes over what little connection there is, and ruins a potentially good friendship. It's also homophobic, femmephobic, and sexist. It's a common mistake straight men make with me, because they've never met anyone like me. And they never will, which means it's their only chance to make me a genuine friend. Even if they're online and I never meet them.

Love keeps me alive, even if it's coming from me just supporting others online. I get joy from supporting and speaking to others, but they get suspicious. So when I talk to someone, or chat with someone, I appreciate it, and I'm feeling much love, but it's not what you think; it's simply LOVE.

Instead of never saying it to you, I say it whether you like it or not. It's powerful, it's helpful, it feels good for all parties involved. ACCEPT IT, you're worth it. Real friends love; if you stop people from expressing love, then you will receive less love in this world.

Narcissistic people stop my love for them, but people who don't know better also do it. Don't stop my expression of love if you're straight cause you think I'm in Love with you; just be glad another person loves you in this terrible world filled with apathetic Narcissistic people who don't love you but call you their friend.

Google Empath, google HSP, come and read more about me, 

and you'll see, 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓶𝔂 𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓮

It's okay; I'm used to it. I am not just a gay person; I am more than that, as you can see. There's good and bad in every kind of person. I know a good or bad person when I'm with them or talk to them; from how they speak to me, the feelings they show me; how I feel their energy and how much gaslighting or toxic positivity is coming out of them to dismiss what I'm feeling or saying.

Bad, of course, means narcissistic people to me; or psychopaths, or just dumb-dumbs. Anyone apathetic, I see it, feel it, and hate it.

Apathetic people with no feelings and no emotions are everywhere, dismissing others' feelings; interrupting and being rude to others, hurting people without caring that they do whichever way they do, to say the least.

Many think they're good people; they think they're trying to be a good person, but how good are they when they're apathetic all the time, thinking about themselves and how they feel most of the time, not sharing emotions, not helping others in need, and not being emotionally supportive to anyone.

They think they are, but they're not allowing expressions of love & empathy because they can't show it in return; they're not as much of a good person as they think they are.

So I try to teach people who and how narcissists are, and how not to be like them. One way is to show my love right away when I feel appreciation or a thankful heart with them; I LOVE THEM. I don't love how they are or how they make me feel; I love them and it's too late. I can't shut off my love for others as they can.

I know and feel people, and I know who they are and what they are, after talking with them. It's a receiving of energy, with my awareness of how they conduct themselves with me. Good person, narcissist, dumb dumb, evil, or just ignorant, we all have different energies.

I'm always here for everyone, but when it gets completely draining to be with them, or talk to them, in perfect love and perfect trust, while they show perfect red flags constantly. I stop. Or I blow up on them.

I become even rude and sharp with my language, and they don't like it, and then they resent me. But I'm just giving them back the rudeness I feel from them, with my emotion. If they're complaining, I let them know I'm the one who should complain; if they have a problem with me, I let them know I'm the one with the problem with them.

So now that I've explained myself yet again, I love you. I could say I love you all day to all my fans and readers and followers, not to mention favourite independent news-reporter heroes. I don't love you in parts; I simply love all of you. What do you want me to say, "don't take it personally"? That's absurd.

When I'm hurt by people that I love, the hurt is deep because I've loved you. So I tell you, I tell you I love you, and I tell you, you hurt me.

And aren't you lucky that another person genuinely loves you, because I can't find love today from anyone, not even if you paid them.

No one has told me they love me since my beloved and I were together for 21+ years, and every day. Love for me came once in my lifetime, after Mom & Dad's love, of course, so I don't expect to receive Love again.

I simply have no choice but to tell those I love that I love them, without anyone telling me they love me.

Luckily, I was born to love, so I have an abundance of love for people, and many can't handle it, don't want it, and just stay away from it, or me. They want what I have; they want what I can do, they want my smarts or intelligence to teach them stuff; or they want how I make them feel, but my love? It's too much.

My Love is Empathic Spiritual Love, of reciprocal genuine emotion that is forever. Because when I love one who is deserving, it is forever. So that's where self-love comes in handy, which is another story.

Thank you for taking the time today to read my blog, and don't forget I'm here for you, because yes, I love you. Don't know you, but I love you; how can I not, when you spent so long reading everything I wrote and didn't comment anything narcissistic.