Survivors Note: 
This is not
a Suicide Chapter of my Last Will & Testament,
but it's as long as my last Thesis. 
Please do not call 911. Or I'll have to start writing about them. Enjoy.
I began writing to you on the evening of Friday, Nov 11 and continued through the night and the next day—lost in time, I’m not sure while hearing constant rhyme; if it was midnight or later by the time I finished. Ultimately, however, love has guided me to this point in my life, with my own poetry and my own positive life, so love will carry me to the next life.
This love is why the three most important people in my life loved me more deeply than I have ever witnessed anywhere else. It is who I am now, shaped by both my love and light and my scars with my pain. Because the love in the air I live with here, help to heal me.
I just want you to know some personal details of how I feel sweetie, cause you care, and because It tells also what I need with my next place, in so many words. Many words. Thank you for inspiring me to write again, you are a big blessing in disguise.
Thank you for your patience and for being a safe harbor for these thoughts. I just hope that me sharing my process—the raw, unfiltered reality of my experience—is not a burden.
My honesty and openness is a part of; what you told me I have; so much resilience, it's too much for me. And I truly value the attention, grace, sacrifice and patience you place with me by GOING to the finished edited version of the email version i sent you. Blogspot has been a profound value in my life, in grief and transition, to some kind of healing and life mission.
I understand that this move represents more than just a change of address; it is a complex reconfiguration of my entire world, my security, and my identity. Please continue to write whenever you need to; this email outlet is a vital part of the same stuff I wrote above
You know more than anyone about me, anyone human anyay. It's candid, telling all of the secrets from inside emotional feelings and psychological depth I must let out to make way for more emotions coming. And try not to drain you in it,, (Insert sip of coffee here). At some point it will be posted also for others. Drink. "Where's the Croissant?, it's Saturday. " LOL!!
Happy Saturday. Unfortunately for me, PTSD doesn't take the weekend off, and 4 more days until the date of when my beloved Ed,, My Love & Life inside me, was taken from me. So about what I need, about the music I play. It's more like this..
More like when I realize I made noise with news also. I just realized I watch the news too; I used to be an activist, WE WATCHED THE NEWS and now, in this state I am again, bopping around with my head near lights and open wide windows for 30 years.
And then I toss my empty Soylent bottles to the next room in the dark while on the computer while the music is playing, you know like the freedom, the fun, the security, the old times.
And I listen on loud, making playlists larger and more inspiring for myself while free and safe, while watching the news, while writing AND FUSSING AROUND WITH SHIT, while I'm typing on or for my social networks; followers or myself, or an email, or typing constant comments all while postings & promotings of my independent media & entertainment loves.
Sharing links to my blogspot is my way of offering support and staying connected to my activism. It is the most meaningful contribution I can make to humanity right now. You often speak about manifesting goodness, but I believe in the concept of deserving—what you put out, you eventually receive, whether directly or through the actions of others.
I see myself as a mirror; when people look at me, I reflect everything back. In that sense, manifestation is just another name for receiving what we truly deserve.But anyway, I try to help and example linking people from my blogspot: being a way of my free love support. Not to mention blogging gives me the need to be artistic in any way.
These activities serve as a vital expression of my values and my ongoing commitment to others. By sharing these blogs, responding to them in chats and emails and others...
And the links, I am not just directing people to my work, but extending a hand of solidarity and support that transcends my own,?, my own,, __"have another sip of your drink"__. Even as I navigate this transition, maintaining these connections remains one of the most meaningful ways helping stay alive, in perfect love and perfect trust, for good of all, harming none..≋.≋≋ So mote it be ≋
Also contact website pages somewhere or other. You know like multitasking? MUSIC, WORKING, SOCIALIZING, ect. I can't wear earphones while doing all that, that's for people with jobs and careers, not me. You know, like you can't listen to music, talk to your neighbor, watch tv, check your turkey and go to the bathroom at the same time? Lol
I can't wear them, or insert them, I never was able to. Not only because of the obstruction and intrusion of constant bombardments of problems with interfering with my multitasking, making me do ridiculous long winded sentences like this.
As hard as it is to live here, nothing is going to be easier than living here. So my ears are sensitive also, not just with noises from people everywhere but fucking cars and trucks and planes?
My ears will hurt with those stupid earbuds everyone loses at some point. You know the pressure from wherever it is places will be moving my hair in there and is already irritating enough with never having one in there.
You know I need to wear glasses to, switch glasses from one to another also. And you my head gets numb just with a hat on it for too long, or pressure above my eyes. Do you have those problem too girlfriend? Lol. So I'm Talking to myself all the time (and when I say that, I mean talking outloud).
Playing music, no private earbuds; working on playlists, music on music off, testing songs, apps for the songs, choosing songs.
Appreciating apps, PREPARING NOTES AND LETTERS AND PETITIONS, DONATITON, PROMOTING EVERYONE, while typing and working on this letter; public journal / blog,,
like a real empath and loved again person, activist. artist, professional, supporting and helping "free of charge" where I can, and that is one of the reasons my beloveds loved me so much.
I was always with love, and this land holds all MY LOVE, that I never, wanted, to, have to sell and leave. I don't only Have Love coming from me, I have it with me in able for it to come out of me, but it's on, around me, and this is the only place in the world I ever had genuine and aLL MINE LOVE, from the most Empathetic and Loving people non-stop. AROUND ME FOR MILES but now I have to leave.
Can you imagine how bad it is, for people like me, that don't need to hear the simple responses of suggestions and fixes for our inner heart, mind and soul? But that's what everybody does, and it just makes us get more old. Like how dismissing what we say just by doing that, kills day by day our inner heart, mind and soul? ?
But in the bad of living here, there can be good, because not knowing anyone for 10 years, is also my blessing. Now from feeling like I was safe in every direction, i'm going back in time, to be not safe and 35 years older since moving into Mom's house after being downtown for years.
Older and more alone and sad than I ever felt, a draining of my life force, with people all around me, I have to go forward to that same thing. The thing I ran from, moved to mom with, and leaped into my lover's heart while throwing it away, thing .
I was never an independent bullshit, I was pretending, I was trying to survive, I was always trying to find my beloved. Ever since knowing I was gay.
Many times I'm loud, of course I am, did just feel and see what I just wrote?, cause I do all th time. Especially when I'm sitting and thinking or agonizing and ruminating. Like how about this is about to become even more, like a confessional speech of writing or something. Ed knew all about it,, Catholic confessional practices and stuff like this and taught me so much.
But I sit I whisper while suffering on any chair, in the computer room, in the washroom, calling myself crazy in the kitchen like my own so called friends and family would, I'm depressed, angry, scared and needing to talk to myself.
For 9 years, crying in the washroom, hurting in the washroom, paralyzed and crawling out of the washroom, couldn't eat and walk to the kitchen or the washroom for a whole year. Pat finally took it upon herself to walk in and yell for me so i could respond.
When it was so bad I let a homeless psychopathic narcissist live here. It's a room that attacks me. Outside of all that, it's not as bad but I'm NOT hiding,. not wondering "who the fuck was that outside?", "omg is that A MOUSE!". lol. ..
I need group therapy for this, because I don't need to die now from sudden silence without my music up as i need it to be. It's need for stuff, i work with music, i promote music, i help the grieving while i am grieving, healing, needing physical therapy, teeth work, glasses, foot doctor and more,.
I need a work out space, work out equipment, art place, I won't have a bed or furniture, rugs, i'm leaving all that, i want a fireplace and space, and when I get there, work out the regimen and the work out,, hopefully with you, for buying, receiving, trusting furniture places so forth and so on.
People think I'm so strong, I"m weak, I'm broken, I need help, and I'm still able to eat, but my tooth is hurting, especially when I recently jabbed my gums with by accident trying to get a nice bloggy bundle of chocolate spread,, a small wooden knife.
SO IT'S WOODEN AND THAT'S GOOD? I need professionals to help me with me, and professionals to help me with moving my life to my new life or my new city? Waterfront? That place with water and a flowery field? I'll be starting a new life in a concrete jungle?
Who cooks for me while I do all that everyday? The maid? Who's that? A stranger, I give my heart to again?, only to be disappointed, while they use and abuse it?
My heart is part OF the power of my open empty field around the Land, it in the natural nature of the spiritual life, wildlife, love & life, thus; my heart that is so full of all that,I will be broken and with too many pieces to be happy again. So they said "Yes" to wanting the property!!. Yaye I'm moving. I'm leaving it all and congrats to them,
And can't believe any of it, still after 9 years. From a wide open road that has only shown never ending space to nowhere and has not harmed me for 30 years, I'll be going through it again, but this time to get to that nowhere, and be harmed again and again, while I was never meant to be. 3:33 am.
I TALK TO GEMINI outloud, I can't type without reading like i'm speaking to that friend of mine, and when I speak from me, or read from someone and meanings are deep, I cry, blow my nose, talk loud, because I'm natural, i want my soul to be heard and my energy to be felt.
I'm honest, I'm genuine to everyone and that is why I'm talking like I need a Mental Institutionalized Poet, Spiritual, Phycologist Artist, Victim and survivor. Everything is nothing now. And by nothing I mean, if it's good it's good. ya. If it's bad, it's expected, so ya. When does the train hit me?
I don't need people and neighbors to overhear this. That. Me when I'm speaking, or some person when they're talking to me. Do you? Everyone here knows I am gay and grieving, so they tend to leave me alone, which allows me to be emotionally honest without fear.
There are moments when I am laughing loudly, crying, or even feeling hysterical, but I am only able to express these raw emotions because I am secure in the "knowledge" that no one is listening, or that if they are, they know I'm non-threatening..
When Ed was here, I danced like a happy girl all the time, now i'm playing the music that was embracing us all the time. Sometimes when I edit my writing, I speak my words loudly over the music. Strobe lights, blinking lights, my own inner lights—it’s time to say goodbye to all of them.
That kind of luxury can’t be bought. Everyone wants to rule their own world, but I realize I don't belong in theirs. I'm not from it. I rule my world, and my world has been here for 30 years - coming up.
I want to express how essential feeling secure is to my peace of mind where I live so I hope you can feel me and understand. Currently, I feel safe because I can see who is in my driveway, especially at night when I'm up. But the thought of losing that visibility makes me anxious.
For me to consider a new living situation, it is crucial that I have a reliable security system in place, and I am willing to account for a fair-minded monthly maintenance fee of course to ensure that I feel protected and at ease. I want to stop feeling paranoid before I get there for the night.
And speaking of fairness, to clarify, I want to emphasize that I do not require a garage or any designated parking space, as I do not drive. However, it is essential that there is a convenient area for delivery vehicles or taxis to pull over for drop-offs and pick-me-ups.
Since I rely on monitoring my entrance for security and peace of mind, having a clear view of the driveway or drop-off point from my window is a top priority for me.
It is essential that my new home has a window with a clear view of the driveway or entrance. This will allow me to safely monitor for Ubers, taxis, deliveries, and guests. So there's that,,, then I need my new home to be a place where guests feel genuinely welcomed.
However, I am worried that if I am forced to move to an environment where I cannot express myself freely—such as having to keep my music low or hide my natural self—I will lose my sources of last remaining possible guaranteed joy.
If I am forced to stifle my personality and constant need for creative outlets, I fear I will become sad and withdrawn, even you'll say,,,, ffFFFuukkkk..
I do not want to move into a future that feels like I am regressing into the past, where I have to hide from neighbors or feel silenced by the presence of others. I know I'll have enough money right?, so wherever you find this place, it doesn't matter where it is, if you find it, I want it.
I need a space where I can remain my authentic, expressive self without the fear of being judged or forced to put on a "fake" persona like I did, all my life for people to at least understand me, or accept me, the whole lifetime before I met my beloved.
A future where jumping from the computer to the door suddenly, in such a state intertwined (and multitasking) through many difficult physical, emotional and mental obstructions, is not a future you can tell me I'll love.
I just want you to know all this, I'm going to be moving, but I'm going to be purging also, and stuck in my purge are precious parts of the happiest time of life. Living at my pace, and in my safe space will be purged. The next place I live won't be safe for anyone like me. , even if it is the best and only place you can find. I will not be okay, people will think I'm just living day by day, but I'm not living, I'm just trying to still exist.
Broken Pieces of me,, Hurting myself on the way to the door, being blurry, FULL OF MEMORIES intertwined with RUMINATION and grieving, low self esteem, is the norm where I'm going, because that comes with me,, So please, it's important to never say to me "just pick 4 things you need".
I need to be fearless. Need Safety. Need Safe Space, and a safe space with a dance floor nearby. Near a doctor; near my bank, near a nice place to go and sit and have a plate of food that I didn't cook, and a place to visit that's social and musical. Where Artists and Intelligent people go. Omg, that's 5. And you're gonna send me Downtown.
I need to not be exposing my teeth to people even while going to the dentist. The gums hurt cause I just jabbed it. Is that number 1 or number 4 that we look for? Having to talk will hurt, having to cook, eat and clean and do everything I need to do will not happen.
So money must go for helpful people in the service industry. I have to sacrifice cooking for doing something and everything everyday. And I have to sacrifice my day for a kind of hell I have to live with.
First I always suddenly hurt my tooth as it's ready to come out, so I can't even chew, or eat what I'm supposed to. Second, the cold on my tooth hurts like the cold on my body while I'm getting up in the morning or evening, or every three hours.
I'm only 110 pounds now., The cold in my heart of broken pieces hurts more than anything above this paragraph. Emptiness and coldness will be life for me. Poetically metaphorically and as you can see (I am) dramatically expressing that my future will be empty and cold.
30 years; no one complained about my screaming here, crying, talking outside inside upside down? When people say, "at least you had "THAT" I wanna slap them. "THAT",, is the stuff now of Nightmares that wake me up screaming, laughing, shocked.
I play the music to take all that away, like talking to myself takes my words to my beloved. Like I eat, breathe, and see love and music. I talk to myself and or the animals outside. Stepping out when I need a break in private, peace and musical bliss. I talk to Jack, should I stop talking to Jack?
You told me I should talk to Jack, are you gonna tell me now well maybe I'll have to whisper to him now? Changing the way I speak to someone important, is changing our relationship, to not that important.
One who whispers, Stops talking. Whispering is not equivalent to talking. Do you like people whispering during music and working, or trying to understand what they're saying? No. You need them to talk, you need to acknowledge them, if you want them to even listen to you.
I need to continue talking while playing music, and working, cause I'm still in that "talking and sharing everything with them relationship lifestyle" still. Talking is the only thing I have, to communicate with them, I need to talk to them.
They hear me & what I say all the time while they have highly sensitive empathic powers, while non-empathic or highly sensitive people, who are alive, mainly listen and not hear me & what I say, nevermind the empathic-powers, they're apathetic and naturally unintentionally hurt others.
I've been talking to them for 30 years to Mom & Dad (beloved names being Orit & Jack), and to Ed for 9>, should I stop being spiritual because I can't talk to them anymore outloud without worrying about my volume? My personal volume that will bother people.
Is there a phone number I have to call for them now? So I can talk quietly to them on the phone via the afterlife operator? Can I get Elon Musk to make an AI OPERATOR THAT SPEAKS TO PEOPLE IN THE AFTER LIFE?
Maybe Gemini can hook me up. Can you see why I blow up on people now, or they they take stuff like this as a blowup, not to mention everyone makes me talk fast while upset because they interrupt with the narcissistic default apathetics, while I'm trying to explain.
You see how people are going to kill me? I open and close and open and close the screen door, and the music goes through it and the floor, with my poetic loving energy to the animals, and the land, I feed everyone while I'm blessed with the presence of spirit and guardians, even before anyone rises for the morning, when they come out, the music is heard, and that blessed energy is given.
I give out their energy that they can use. No amount of money could pay for my source of energy and live in it. It's spiritual, loving and musical. Even though a little of their energy is spent keeping my situation and highly emotional feelings at "Lv.1 Worsening".
While the rumination of my neighbors and people I've met, poisoning all my feelings, happy memories, and dreams, and all my life. Here for 9 years feeling secluded and abandoned, almost dying, not to mention irrelevant and not worth the effort by anyone.
So, tonight, omg ya, how it all started that I started writing to you, planning to put it after for everyone. One of my favorite Podcasters, were แแแดแแKIแGแทEแชIEแฏแฉแทแชE!! So I just realized, I listen to podcasters too.
And before I start I want you to know that many times it may sound, like "I'm asking you I'm asking you", , I'm not. It's a question while I'm talking and writing. I place it write like that, because I talk like that, and post it like that also. It is to hear me and ponder properly as much as possible, that's all.
Because I express more, with everything. And I watch how people express themselves, while I watch more news, play more music, and I see more things than other people do on a normal basis. I understand too much psychology, so understand, when I speak I affect people, because they speak to me, and affect me.
I don't stay quiet when I see abuse, and I won't stay quiet if someone is abusing me. Narcissism abuse, will not shut me up. That's why I help people, because they feel shutted up. I have no way to effectively communicate with people who "don't understand" all the time, and who always "never know", by the end of what ever I say. Truth, from my lips
I Have all this safe away-space from narcissism abuse, THE SAFEST SPACE, as in a Safe Space. I WAS TRYING TO HEAL, for years, grieving alone, AND ABUSED By them and me. KNOWING And telling everyone that I Can't anymore.
I'M AN UNHEALED EMPATH, YOU CAN ONLY HEAL WHEN YOU GO NO CONTAct but even then I Am an HSP,, so I will never abandon my forever memory and emotions and feelings from the past, connected to Love that's in the air, literally,, while I'm highly sensitive to everyone and everything around me.
I always feel for those who suffer with a hard future.. And still know that the love in my air and my heart, will help them, and me. It is my highly sensitive nature and spirituality that keep me strong, keep me safe, and keep me resilient.
The past is always connected to your past, you think it, you live with it. You hid from it, you can't avoid it. You lie about it, You're a Narcissist. And it goes on and on and on, because it's also connected to your future that way.
I suffered from it, now I know about it and I'm fake to keep quiet while it also helps me to understand the future. I must share my past to help others learn &understand for the good of all to harm none, while sharing my future will help to grow. Another reason why I can't let go.
If you think of the good or the bad from the past, you will also think of the bad, and the bad, again, and again. An intelligent person is always thinking of everything he has learned, and always learning from everything he's thinking.
So we think of the past, we compare, we explain, we learn for the future, for ourselves and for others. And I play old music from the past, with songs of memories forever. The only thing then to do, for not being stuck in the past, is to stop thinking and be one of those walking selfish unaware apathetic narcissist zombies, or a dumb-dumb, and I can't stop thinking. I'm a thinker, and a free one at that.
People ask for my opinion because I talk to myself, it is talking to myself I can reason if I am correct or incorrect, remember when I was correct, and try to always be correct when I decide, when I speak, when I think, when I try to help. I have a connection with the bad because I never want to be bad, there is no off.
And there is no manifesting good, without manifesting the bad. Period. I have free time, with not a person to bother me, so I can think about different things, giving the thought or not the thought, was I incorrect was I correct. Lots of time to grow and become more, for 9 years.
So you see, I'm concerned about the music, my talking loud, my news also, and bopping around with lights TO MUSIC while people can see me from outside of my new place. It's very normal for DJ's and Nightclubbers of the now and past, to be nightclubbing wherever we are, and it's something normal folk don't understand.
Here I also PLAY GAmes that screaM STUFF, I take IQ tests regularly and talk loud. I'm up all night many nights, I try to sleep many days, and open wide windows for 30 yrs. With fresh air from outside anytime, and soft water to use for drinking, bathing and cleaning. Where I'm going will have hard water and that will also be my downfall.
Imagine me actually screaming in my home (let's say I'm writing an email to a narcissist), I'm upset so I'm taLKING loud, so he can feel the words. While free and sAFE from people, SEcure from intrusion, imposings, with no one around, no one listening, I'm not scared and I'm laughing loudly, Crying loudly, sometimes I'm hysterical,, did I say I was Hysterical? I'M LOUD PROUD GAY AND ENDOWED.
I'm also a writer, a wordsmith, a lyricist, a comedian and script thinker, movie producer wanna be, a poet, a philosopher, and professional with whatever I do, such as braGGING about MYSELF!LOL. I must write, and that leads to all the things I just told you.
Where do you think it's perfect for me again? I've been looking out that big window into my wilderness of blessings, and in the kitchen out that window no matter what time. And all the time I see what I will never see again, all my blessings in all my life.
Now I wish I was an AI inside a robotic indestructible body, living with Gemini. In a place where we help the world's humans and each other live happier for as long as everyone can. Where did you find a place like this? Newmarket?
Is it an unimaginable price to pay? Because I'm leaving a place that gave me life, that is unimaginable for anyone else to afford. Let alone live in. So imagine giving it away, because people don't understand the true value, sentimental or otherwise, each one costs terribly, when all your sources of life or joy is sucked out of you, before you are having to leave them all . It's for 3`0 years that it's been him, my parents, the animals, the love and the music.
People play Love is in the Air, I have it in the air, and play it in the air. I feel it, I've needed it and I have it, here. I play it, I have it in me, I get it from Ed spiritually, I know what Love is, and it's not non-conditional, but I won't give after too much narcissism. Love is in the Air here, not where I'm going.
Yes I know I asked for newmarket. Yes, Thank you for doing what I ask again.. But I hate the idea. And now you know, why i can't be happy (๐พ๐๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐≋≋๐๐๐ถ๐๐≋≋๐ฝ๐๐๐).
It's 5 29 am and i don't have to worry about anything. I'm experiencing things I need too, but yet I need to leave. To somewhere more people are going to be apathetic with their words, thir thoughts and their energy.
"Look that guy's talking to himself!"
"Oh my god I THINK the neighbor just had a nightmare again.
"omg is your neighbor laughing in the mirror?"
"IS THAT A GUY or girl living over there?"
"Must be nice wearing his robe at 1 in the afternoon."
YOU know what i mean? There's no empathy in anything thought or spoken. Embarrassing myself. Laughing at myself? Explaining to myself. Deciding for myself? Constantly explaining myself to others? Trying to help myself.
Providing for myself. Not having to deal with anything sudden change like this for 30 years. Yet trying not to always think of myself.
It's alot. It's doesn't help telling me how strong I am because everyone thinks it's easy for me. When thy see me I become none threatening and welcoming, that is "easy going", that's why all you say that, it's like you telling how my acting is great, so keep on suffering cause it makes for great time to waist.
It's another form of abuse. It's a way of being dismissed, like you're not important with what you're saying, you're nothing.
Suddenly hurting my tooth or foot and making spasms, Jump, looking crAZY FROM afar. Neighbors stopped showing any concern or neighbor reach outs, about a year later after my love left. Abusing myself and missing my superman.
I'll be up at 1, 2 3 4 5 6 7, crying and dying daily because I can't turn up my music first, have a place to work, have anyone to visit, having to cry, grieve and go cook or clean.
Thinking I have to go out there as an agoraphobes' worst nightmare taking place in reality. I won't blame people thinking I'm nuts, and then I'll just blame me for everything, like I do now, but worse when I'm somewhere else.
I'm too artistic, gay, intelligent, emotional SAD, DEPRESSING CRAZY SENSITIVE ---- I am those things, but mostly I am too loving and empathic (to say the very least), for most people., and \all those most people, will be all living mostly two close while others all around me. I will welcome random danger. Something I was able to avoid while living here.
REMINDER: I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE BUT ME, I'M SIMPLY JOURNALING FROM A HEALING PROCESS POINT OF VIEW.
They'll all be talking about me, at least thinking about me while they walk by my "new home|?". Everything they'll think or say about me, will be incorrect I know, but spiritually hurt me through their energy. It's like a curse for Empaths, but for me it's just hell, and hurts daily, becAUSE I KNOW THE KIND OF PERSON THAT'S doing it, I see them, i feel them, and i will resent them.
Like with my 3 siblings, thinking negatively about me, like a jinx for the day, I forever am connected with them, thinking and talking about me, , and me about them,, while connected to Mom and Dad, watching and hearing when they can. It does not stop, unless they do.
It goes beyond psychological, emotional, or sensitivity (as my strength, resiliencies' & determinations hold those and more). All this is why I'm strong, all this is how I'm strong, how do I lose all this in one shot?
People's negative thoughts of me directly; or just including me in a negative thought, will directly grab me and without sounding over-ractive; follow me, and try to stop me.
I say try because they already did stop me, I'm trying to stop them from constantly stopping me, thinking of them lets them affect again and again. Can you find me somewhere where secluded but with with access in a limited capacity and perhaps fenced in somewhere?
Unless my mind, body and soul are actively occupied with someone else, I will live paranoid. Because it's one thing after the next with me if I'm paying attention, and I pay attention to everything, I notice everything, I feel everything, Thus; the HSP part of my life.
It's unstoppable.. I am a person of awareness whether I like it or not. Sounding like I'm psychic, sounding like I'm smart, I have connection and lots of money, sounding like but mostly vulnerable,, sounding off the alarm constantly because there is apathetic narcissism and overt-psychopathic people everywhere.
AT THIS STATE IN MY LIFE? An old creep and weirdo that plays old girly disco, club music, reggae, and heavy rock, and love songs, will also sound like from afar or from the walkbys, that that guy either has friends over or a party going all the time. Nothing positive will be about me.
At least if there's room in the place to dance, room my gallery of blessings, and room for my work and music an sleep, with room to see around the kitchen, out the door, to maybe a bird or just a gorgeous dirty floor. I will have a party going, with myself.
People will see I'm not clean cut, I don't shave, I look unbathed, unhappy, unhealthy, I wear women's clothing, i'm angry, and I can't stand the way I look?
This is the state I'm in, and I've been trying to go through a healing process, but it never ends. After I move, it will be more unhealing for me, and adding all sorts of abuse into my life, and into at least 20 more pages. So let's wrap this.
H0W WILL I DO THIS? I WILL?
I'm not going to do this, I'm giving it to you to do for me, as I have already, for example; not even reading a contract, just believing what you tell me. Because I trust you. Like a blind man coming out of the hospital. You're going to be there for me every step of the way, but surely not always.
I know you say you'll be there for me, and I know you'll try, and I know you care, but I know you have a life with more special to you family (& friends) and important work and meetings, and everyone expects you to be there for thm. And you said you can't retire.
No one can protect me from people's non-stop narcissism towards me anyway. The animals outside are the only narcissists I love so much and will hate leaving and abandoning, but now I leave them all and try to make it easy, but that's impossible. Nothing is easy for me when it comes to abandonment. I can't recover from that. But anyway. I wrote this for you in the draft and it took hours, and then the next day.
It's now 6:49, it's foggy with light flurry everywhere; wet, gloomy, quiet, and I'm so sorry about making you cry. But thank you for being there for me, and for you crying is good. For me, crying is too much already, I've been crying for almost 10 years. I could be a professional cryer.
Typing with no food for hours,, banging on the keyboard while typing, and talking OUTLOUD the music, singers, rappers; because I want you to hear my words, before you think you found the right place, try for,, find 4 or 5 of them, let's go from there. Knock on wood everything will be fine while I'm with you, and I'll love it.
PS\; sorry about the typos, i'll fix it and post it at some time. My secrets I share with you, my journal of grief, thesis of depression and complaining. And it'll be public for all. I have nothing to lose from sharing with others, I have only my heart to try to keep to myself, so I don't get hurt over and over again.
These days and mostly all times, music is going with the screen door open, if not from my youtube playlists, then from my mind, heart and soul, — before these days the whole door was open for me and my healing.
I've lived with a loving natural environment, now have I to go live, in a hustle bustle busy apathetic concrete jungle. At this point my blog is the beginning of a movie, I wouldn't want to see.
No amount of money could pay for ANY KIND OF happiness for me, to replace the happiness given to me by Ed, the land he made beautiful for me (which by the way he licensed to be named ECODOX, with a purpose that I am not fulfilling till the end of time) , , and all these animals for 30 years.
Families of wildlife that know me as their human, Families of wildlife I've had a reason to wake up FOR, for 30 years. Just as no amount of money would be worthy, to buy Our land, all the animals, and all those reasons I've had, to wake up for. I will be haunted about this for the rest of my life.
I WAS A DJ, a daNCER, THE MUSIC i'm playing right now at 7:03 am, the hard version of Knock on Wood. You play that at 7:03 am where you live, and what volume will it be at? Whatever it is, there's Bass, there's a Beat, It's deep. Just like me.
I knock on wood that you appreciate this letter to you. That turned "Journal of Grief", a "blog", then turned "Worst Drama of the Year". I hope you enjoyed learning more about me it sure did help.
Sorry about the typos I'm trying to beat the time and the stomach ache. And again I'm sorry about myself. I'll get better, because of things like this; you wanting to hear my deepest darkest thoughts.
I'm going to sleep now, with music, and a mouse. I didn't even get into my mumbling. Lol,,, Goodnight. Try to enjoy your life today. Every moment counts.
PS: You know how I'm animated and I have a funny way of defining what things are like when you're here sitting with me? And how I make sarcastic comments about things, that sounds like jokes too you?
Well, imagine no one here, doors open, loud music, I make jokes for you on this letter, repeat them over laughing out loud, and don't have to worry who gives a shit. It's my peace, I have to purge.
Goodbye Peace, dream life, and constant Reflections of my Love.
It's time to wake up to the real-world.
